you

i found the way. the way is love. that love is you… 

[my every-single-wonderful-thing. from then til when we’re stardust once again.]

…i found the way by loving you. 

night one in new zealand

i got that lump in my throat, as usual, when i left them at the gate.
[i don’t think i’ll ever get used to goodbye.]
and i very well could have cried for the very unknown i was diving into i have dived into.
because fear has overwhelmed me, just a little. fear has filled the arteries closest to my heart. fear has begun to take over.

and so i begin my fight.

i’m in new zealand. and it’s not so far away.
but i’m tired, it’s late.
i’m anxious, unsurprisingly.
i’m alone. i’m alone.
and maybe, for the first time in a long time, i feel the solitude.
[and i miss you. perhaps more than i have in all our apartness so far.]

it was so sudden that i pressed my way onto this fated path.
so quick, i found myself at that gate and on that plane and looking at the fullness of a familiar moon.
and so very unaware, i breathed and felt and immersed myself in the air of yet another island with a new set of coordinates on this compass of my life.

i pull the anchor up and i stop steering as the current takes over. and i flow, so freely, down this river of all that i find so perfect and new.

now all i need is you.

this one’s for you

it’s a strange feeling, knowing i’m going home, possibly on an impulsive decision [choosing the day i did]. but such is life, and everything is done for one reason,
or another.

i’m excited. there’s a glimpse of forgetting how it feels to be safely tucked up in bed in a house with the people who love me most in this entire universe. but then the memory comes flooding back and nostalgia fills me with anticipation.
and anxiety.

i don’t know what will find me there, only time will tell, i guess. all i know is this adventure, this year, feels like a single day. it feels like one long day filled with elements and seasons and emotions and reasons for all the choices i seem to have made so impetuously,
and so perfectly.

i’ve lost, i’ve found, i’ve fallen, i’ve prevailed. i’ve felt, so very deeply. i’ve cried, i’ve loathed and loved and laughed until i hiccuped. i’ve seen things that have moved me in a way i never thought those things ever could. i’ve found people who reminded me of people i already knew. i’ve found people who have changed my life, or at least changed moments in my life, changed my thinking, changed the way i look at and into myself.

i’ve found people.

and, so far, that seems to be the most profound realisation of them all.

the impermanence of place. the joy and the sadness in moving, in leaving. the honouring of the journey. all these events are intensified and cemented as purposeful and necessary by the people i’ve found along the way. the memory of a voice, or a face, or a mannerism that would catch me by surprise. and the ultimate awareness that really, we’re all the same. in this big, glorious world, we are one.

ok.

maybe it’s in the name. that craziness, that driving me insane.
[it happened once before.]
i’ll wonder
for days
of where,
and when,
will i ever see you
again?

stop start

i wonder when that song will stop reminding me of you. i wonder when the words will do nothing to my heart, when it will be just another song and i’ll sing along like it never made me feel like this. i wonder if the day will come when floods of memories and what-ifs and all these wonderings stop wandering through my imagination as soon as i hear it play.

and i wonder
if you 
ever wonder
it too.

light street

i saw someone who looked like you

my heart, 
it skipped a beat. 

[oh to hope!]

it wasn’t you
walking 
down 
the street. 

see, this is what you do

it smells like rain outside.

my mind is too fucking full, my heart is too fucking full. there is too much of me that wants too much of you. and i’ll never know it if all i can tell you is it smells like rain outside. 

how was your day, how was your pb and j, how was anything and everything – tell me your fucking life story.