inspired, once more. i find myself in coffee shops, reading, dozing, eating, watching gold and red and brown leaves fall from trees, all around. i find myself allowing myself to feel, allowing it all to become a very permanent and very important piece of the puzzle of my very audacious life. i find myself kissing and thinking and writing and becoming lost in a world that feels like a dream and feels like real life and feels like everything else that falls in between.
there’s a movement and a shifting of emotion and of being. there’s a certain sense of living that i’ve never felt before. there’s a difference in the way i look and feel and ask questions. i’m curious, i want more. i want forever and a day bottled in glass jars for whenever i feel time slipping away. i want the density and intensity of this humble life to overcome my fears and pleasures and take its toll on the earth i tread so lightly and so surely across. i walk my path, i walk it with graciousness. with pride. with confidence. i walk my path, i run, i stop. regardless of the pace, it’s along this path i find the treasures of a life lived on the edge of the ultimate expression of all i find so painful and raw. of all i find so wonderful. of all i find.
life starts with good mornings like this morning’s. life starts with a heart, beating out of control, and rare feelings coursing up and down your spine. life begins, life ends, life grows and continues in particles of perplexing perfection. in moments that stand out, moments that change us, moments you recognise as deep and as true.
he taught me that word, when it was only words. when we existed between the letters of the alphabet, sentences of this and that and not much else. when we existed between dreams and waking, all the time and space that separated us.
i miss you.
i miss you too.
i can’t wait to see you.
not long now.
when will you arrive.
never soon enough.
this isn’t just about me, you’re the same, we’re all the same. there’s chaos in everything, chaos and complexity. we’re all connected, all pulling at that same invisible thread. only to find a reason in everything and no reason for anything. because it exists deeper in our hearts than we could ever reach. it exists beyond the universe, so much further than we could ever find. it exists a million hours away and in this very second.
the make up of all our sorrows and happiness. our wonders and revelations. of our togetherness. all ours and theirs and yours and mine.
so i could spend the rest of my life just missing you. but i won’t. because maybe this means more than that; that you know it too; that it’s all just one perfect moment of in between; that this feels like our very own in between and we’re the only ones in this singular, looping, perfect dream of ever-land.
we’re all going somewhere, we’re all feeling something, we’re all connected. so double knot my thread with yours and let my complexity become your simplicity and revel in the notion that nothing and everything is why it is what it is.
why can’t your heart ache like mine?
why can’t my ache be your ache and, combine,
to become a wonderful mirage of ecstasy –
if only for a while, if not only in our dreams.
i allow myself to sit and wonder – if my dreams are like your dreams, or if they ever come close.
or if or if or if…
i’ll fall asleep tonight, excited nonetheless.
because as hard as waking is,
at least i can love a little while in that muddled, beautiful mess
as the ecstasy leads the agony and it all rolls into one.
the leaves are finally finding autumn. changing and falling, the trees becoming something else. unlike me.
i swallow the struggle silently. i purge my thoughts, a million a second, to myself. inside, on my own, by choice, i suffer. mine and mine alone. but that’s the thing – it’s yours too. we’re not dissimilar, you and i. i’ll carry yours and you’ll carry mine.
let’s walk, side-by-side.