loving kindness

 let go of your mind so you can fall into your heart.
i know i get in my own way, the thoughts the wondering, the logic, the panic.
short of breath i tell myself the hardest is to come. i give into the sadness the loneliness the doubting i might ever make it out. i lose the moment in the thinking. i lose the moment, i lose myself, i lose the reason behind my always moving forward, searching  within.
it’s the moment that matters most of all.
we have so few.
this life is so short.

so there should be no more rehashing or rehearsing
he told us tonight as i felt the earth beneath my feet and lifted my chest to the sky to let my heart shed shining, blinding light.
my big and bold and grateful heart, a heart of joy, led by love, led by now.
a heart who knows how to feel, who knows where to guide me, who teaches gentleness and courage, faith and hopefulness.
a heart who is here. its life force always home as it beats in this metronome of constant, steadiness, sameness and calm.
without thinking, follow feeling, follow truth, follow kindness. without thinking, be here now. let the shining, blinding light of your big and bold and knowing heart lead the way, head held high face beaming eyes glittering thoughts still and calm and easy and now.

nothing more, nothing less

today was hard. today i felt, a lot.
good bad indifferent. i felt it all and i wallowed in it all.
good bad indifferent.
i wallowed
then i swallowed my stubbornness and sorriness and dragged myself to yoga. back on the mat, there was purpose. there was reason. i moved, without thinking of anything but moving, and the heat and the stretch and the pain falling from my bones. and for that time in the room, i wept through sweat as i found a pace, a flow a rhythm. and my thoughts drifted away, somewhere nearby but not too near to my mind. it cleared. there were no worries. i simply did not care. and there was no thinking too far ahead.
it all came back to the
here
and the
now
as i realised, completely and honestly, it’s all there is. it’s all we have. it’s all we’ll ever really have. and as time slides effortlessly away, we understand how precious and fragile this whole thing is. we don’t have forever.
fuck, we barely have today.
why, in my right mindfulness, would i ever dream of wasting time consumed by doubt or fear, worry or planning.
fuck! i have my life to live!
but we do it. constantly. we find the faults and flaws and horror in our average day to day existence. we don’t take advantage of the beauty and just being and the fragility, the impermanence.
but what a life this is. how could i ever complain? it’s not relative, it’s ridiculous.
i stop and i think and i take a look around. i feel it filling me.
in the ache of my legs from using them in all their capability, in all their strength. the music that plays. the hum of the heater and the warmth it brings. a man that isn’t afraid to love me from so far away. the comfort of this life in all its pure and wholesome blessedness. my ability to realise how ridiculous i’ve been. my will to make it all better.
we get down. we do it tough. we make it hard for ourselves. but at the end of it all, if there is joy, if there is love, what else can we want for?

return to the mat

it’s therapeutic, knowing how much it’s going to hurt, how hard it’s going to be, yet finding something, somewhere, that makes you do it anyway.

it’s only 60 seconds.
it’s only 30 seconds.
it’s only 10 seconds.

holding a pose, telling yourself you can do it. embracing the struggle but knowing you will make it through. and it isn’t about anyone else. it’s just you, in that hot room, sweating out the struggle
and finding a sense of peace,
the relief in the release.

i can’t tell you why i stayed away so long.

in that room, it doesn’t matter who i am. what i wear. how i look. i’m comfortable. confident. ego turns to the pursuit of betterment. self-consciousness melts into every mind over matter balance, stretch and hold. i am all that i think in all the momentariness that makes up my class.

stay in the room, give yourself a couple of minutes. the world hasn’t changed, but you have. he said.

so i did. i practiced my counting in french and i stayed. i felt every part of my body relax into the mat. i felt the sweat roll down my arms into the already saturated towel. i felt the itch, ignored.
and i felt strong.

he was right. when i left the world hadn’t changed, but my spirit fluttered as i hopped on my bike and pedalled my heart out racing the darkness home.

why does it always rain on sunday?

there’s something inside you, bigger than this entire world. a deep and intense spirit, waiting, growing, longing for love.

so do you choose fear, or do you choose love? why not live with both in a manifestation of absolute completeness. a true and intense devotion to the universe and all its magic. to all the terror and the trauma and the tremendous battles we face every day.

find fear, but find love in it. give flight to your soul but keep your dreams always within your heart. and dream for a better life, a better world. dream for humanity.

dream
for 
love.

today the clouds cry heavily with rain. we stay hidden in the normalcy, under this blanket of grey and wet. 

within me

today filled my spirit with a love i’ve never known. today filled my body with an energy born of selflessness, patience and kindness. as i breathed deeply into every corner of my soul, i found love. with every word i ate, as i removed every doubt. with every sign and every direction i was pointed in. whichever way i went, i found love.

it’s hiding, it’s seeping. it’s taking me over.