nine sleeps

i’m running. towards a place i’ve always dreamed to be. by the side of my love, a man who is and knows and wants and loves all of me. so i’m running at full speed.

i’m tiring. i’m missing life as i fly on by, faster than i’d like. faster than i have in years gone. i’m running and fighting my way back to him, but i don’t notice the momentariness along the way. it’s all too big picture. and i’m exhausted from running this marathon life as a sprint to my dream finish line.

let me stop. let me walk. let me slow and stay a while.
i bet the roses smell sweet and the sun feels warm on my skin.
i bet the night smells of dewy, wintry bloom.
i bet it’s all so much better than i realise.

i remember your kisses tasting of grass-stained mornings and hot chocolate afternoons. i bet you don’t know just how much i miss you.

but now it’s finally june,
and that means
i’ll be seeing you.
so soon.

i want to slow with you. to walk with you.
hold my hand, let’s slow.

my head in the clouds.

i walked alone.

wow.

i couldn’t really find a bit inside me to believe where i was. i had to stop and breathe and take it all in. i had to stop to find the pulse of the moment staring me right in the eye. i moved forward, onward, away from the past. i moved into the clouds. walking and running and scuffing my shoes on rocks in all directions. holding myself back as i tried, with all my strength, to stay upright, walking downhill. the steepness burning my knees.

i was watching my feet. watching each step. forgetting that i needed, i wanted, to watch the world too.

i stopped at a lookout. fog blocked my view. and when i stood still, the trees in the distance and the clouds right in front of me came zooming down both sides of my vision. a tunnel of movement, the world coming for me. pulling me in. it was so strange. surreal. intense. 

and when nothing stopped moving and i finally caught my balance, i took a breath, smiled to myself and let out a little chuckle. 

life is so wonderful.

winter, no blues.

i live for those days. walking and feeling the sun, the air, the coolness. i live for those moments of breathing so deeply i gasp and sob. and the air hits my chest and the feeling floods my body, through my shoulders and arms, to my toes in my shoes.

my fingers pulse and my legs feel a little heavy but the excitement builds and i’m left alone in that moment of mine, just mine, that precious piece of time. 

it’s happening more, lately.

i watch the weather forecast each morning. it’s those unusually warm days in winter; making it through those cold months; and then, that feeling as the weather warms to spring. those are the days that thrill me. 

but for now, the slow burn of this raw winter chill makes me happier than it has in seasons before. somehow, it does.

i walk to work to the beat of the music in my ears. 

filling the void

sirens and whistles and cheering. sounds like football, sounds like winter. there’s a certain comfort you get from the familiar. and football is familiar.

growing up with an absolute loathing for what was expected of me to watch and enjoy. growing up and growing to love. at seven, i preferred eating red lollies and playing with equally disinterested little girls to watching my brother play. at seventeen, i didn’t care much for the game, rather i watched the players in their short little shorts and tight sleeveless tops. grabbing and groping and grunting.

i’m glad i outgrew that. the allure of “talent”, “infamy”, “glamour”. now, i don’t care much for the game or at all for the players. but the sounds…oh, they remind me of all the winter days of my life.

as the weather moves through autumn to winter, i am comforted by the familiar.

cold

i am starting to remember things by feel. remembering smells, emotions, the time, and not just events, what happened, words.

lying in bed this morning, i thought about summer. i closed my eyes and imagined i was waking up with the smell of grass mixed with the heat of the morning relieved by the coolness inside. the tick of the fan, spinning all night. the lawn mower rumbles to life. the smell of summer. i felt so relaxed and happy. that smell filled my head with thoughts of saturdays doing chores, watching tv, drinking juice, eating ice blocks.

i hate winter. i decided that today. i hate being cold. i hate the smell of damp air. i hate staying inside with artificial heat making a vain attempt to comfort me. i’m sorry heater, you just don’t cut it. i loathe winter. looking outside this morning, i was excited. the sun was out. i stepped outside and was greeted by stiff, still, numbing air threatening to take away my breath. somewhat of a juxtaposition. 

i don’t know where i’m going to be in five years, two years, next year. but, i do know i can’t stand the cold. i think i’ll chase summer around the world.

adelaide, i miss your warm days.

rain, rain, go away

it’s raining today. it’s wintry. it’s still autumn, go away. 

driving today. two-and-a-bit hours to meningie to watch a football game. and it’s raining. the rain doesn’t compare to the rain in the place i was. it’s cold here. it’s piercing. it makes your skin sore to touch from the horrible freezing sting of it. 

jed shakes more in the rain. he smells too. wet dog. but he isn’t unhappy. not like me. i miss the humid rain. when it got warmer as it fell. 

but the football. it will be freezing. down by the murray river where the air skips off the water and takes the icy temperature with it. 

we’ll sit in the car though. i’ll wear two pairs of socks. i’ll bring a blanket and drink hot chocolate from a thermos wrapped in hands wrapped in leather gloves.

it’s cold.