it’s not just me missing you
it’s that you’re just so very missing
from all the mundane, ordinary, easy things. from all the hard and heartbreaking and overwhelming moments. from the fun. from the normalcy, from the new and old
from everything else.
there’s too much absence and space and time between us.
i miss you ’cause you’re missing when i’d much rather we were loving and touching and kissing instead.
i miss you, in every way there is.
and all the absence and space, the time the waiting can be replaced for all i care, with everything you, with everything us.
i’m holding out for so soon – so soon isn’t nearly soon enough.
i feel my heart beat hard as it vibrates against my skin, stomach, throat and chest
echoing through my rib cage.
i swallow shallow breaths.
there’s no sleep in sight for me tonight as i start to count the minutes and seconds
until the moment we’re right there
where nothing else matters
where we start to melt away
into life and gold, sunlight and salt water.
where we’re you and me together again no distance no time zones no end.
this is my wildest adventure yet, the one that’s come to life the best.
in all the time spent wandering this earth we’ve always shared, i’ve never known a greater journey
than this, travelling the veins of your love.
it’s all i want,
to be your breath,
to be the beating of your heart,
to find more of me in you
than i ever knew
there ever was.
life in all its magic and wonder
you in all of you,
just as you are.
once, we didn’t know each other. once, we hadn’t met. i was younger then, and maybe not quite me, i was just searching and waiting for life to sweep me off my feet.
then, it was you.
forever it is you.
so maybe this was written
entirely in the stars.
a constellation love story burning bright, somewhere far across the universe.
there was never a beginning, you know, just a place where we picked up. a moment in time to bring us back together.
we were only ever inches from each other,
for each other.
made for this.
to meet and meet and meet again.
in all the lifetimes we’ve ever had.
and we might spend eternity finding one another in that writing in the stars.
i’ve known you from ago.
ripples from raindrops in a forest made of moss. i miss you
though it hasn’t been too long…
but my sobs and your words and reddened eyes and our hands that held each other’s tight tight tight take me back and put me right where our bodies left off.
and it makes my heart throb in aching and pining
and it makes me want time to rewind
to fast forward
to just not be right now.
though i want the now the happiness the love to fill me in the loneliness.
i want the emptiness to end and the you to start all over again.
a new month.
i’ve been so long, here with you,
not nearly long enough.
and i think about the time we spent
where it all went
what we did and how we stayed so still
in the quiet moments.
the moments our hearts spoke only what we meant.
we couldn’t buy this kind of love. we couldn’t even dream it. yet here we are, bathing in river mist and mountain peaks and rainforests shrouding us in the greenest most deliberate decorated mossiness.
you put your toes in any water and feel the cold or surprising warmth. and it makes me smile when you jump in
seeing you come out all wet
pricking water droplets
sending them rolling off your skin.
is it the rain or the river?
it doesn’t seem to change, no matter how much i push or pull time just scurries right away from all this is. no matter how much we want it to stop still and rest for a bit. no matter how much it suffocates and liberates and drowns and frees all the outrageous realities we’re slowly, beautifully sinking in between.
we bury our toes and open our hearts and let it all unfold in a beautiful picture of all that has passed
of all that’s yet to come.
life happens so fast.
it’s okay to be vulnerable, he said.
a loving conviction that cut through bone and brick and beat into my heart in an instant of knowing and crumbling.
so i crumbled into his chest and made his skin all wet with the saltiness of undoing and the emptying of ego.
i breathed staccato breaths and buried my worry in blinks and swallows as he held me tight and pressed his kisses to my forehead.
it’ll all work out.
i know, i said.
i’ve started carving indents in a life of longing and searching. i’ve started finding myself filling in and travelling through a channel, in a place to drown and love. to find in the darkness. to know in the daytime as the sun shines and i discover more about myself in the quiet and unknowing. in the moments of confusion and fear. in the tremors of the earth as i press my ear against the dirt. i hear my pulse throb.
i stand and watch the walls of the gorge rise and fall in breaths of living and belonging. and for the first time in the longest time my heart cries as i smile a gentle smile and remember why i’m here.
this. this is all and everything it’s about. in streams of light on emerald leaves glowing gold. in the smell of pine and the stickiness of sap on my fingers that sticks as i grab hold of a big, barky tree and haul myself up a rock and dry-leaf covered ravine.
i am so small standing by waterfalls so big.
and suddenly i realise. we are and have always been all the atoms of ourselves. we are ecstatic pieces of memories and stories and definitiveness. we are everything we’ll never know and everything we always wanted to be. we are, i am. this is all there is and all we need.