alive

i feel my heart beat hard as it vibrates against my skin, stomach, throat and chest
echoing through my rib cage.
i swallow shallow breaths.
there’s no sleep in sight for me tonight as i start to count the minutes and seconds
until the moment we’re right there
where nothing else matters
where we start to melt away
into life and gold, sunlight and salt water.
where we’re you and me together again no distance no time zones no end.

longer, still

once, we didn’t know each other. once, we hadn’t met. i was younger then, and maybe not quite me, i was just searching and waiting for life to sweep me off my feet.
then, it was you.
forever it is you.
so maybe this was written
entirely in the stars.
a constellation love story burning bright, somewhere far across the universe.
there was never a beginning, you know, just a place where we picked up. a moment in time to bring us back together.
we were only ever inches from each other,
for each other.
made for this.
to meet and meet and meet again.
in all the lifetimes we’ve ever had.
and we might spend eternity finding one another in that writing in the stars.
i’ve known you from ago.

softer and stronger

it’s okay to be vulnerable, he said.
a loving conviction that cut through bone and brick and beat into my heart in an instant of knowing and crumbling.
so i crumbled into his chest and made his skin all wet with the saltiness of undoing and the emptying of ego.
i breathed staccato breaths and buried my worry in blinks and swallows as he held me tight and pressed his kisses to my forehead.
it’ll all work out.
i know, i said.

togetherness 

  
we took a drive and spent some time in the woods and off the grid. so many magical things happen when we’re in nature together…

falling deeper and deeper. 

colonial creek, washington.

four days in one

 in the absolute knick of time, we made it onto the ferry to that island [where we feel heartbeats down streets and see love upon leaves falling from their trees]. i stood, a little sunburnt, in the unforgiving wind who made goosebumps on my skin, and walked around the deck, watching as the 9pm sun turned the sky lilac orange and cream, as far as i could see all the way to shadowing mountain peaks.

this weekend made me miss home, but feel home, and realise just how much everything in me is taking me by surprise lately. i never knew i could feel so much in a single minute. 

we were well and truly into fresh and clean air. i looked up. the night sky took my breath away and feebleness took over my sense of being alive and here and able and me. i’d forgotten how beautiful she was with no city lights to blind her.

the milky way lit our way as we walked to the beach and onto silky sands. we laid, side-by-side, wrapped in a blanket, and stared out across the eerily illuminated water. a green blinking light and a hub of orange so so far from us the only lights other than satellites and starlight. we watched them move or blink.

this night, i saw the most shooting stars i’ve ever seen, and one especially long and bright and deeply carved into the sky, one that put tears in my eyes and made me see how right this all, everything, is.

this night was all a part of the whole of it. this weekend was cramps in my stomach from laughing so hard. it was showering under a hose and his smile and playing like kids shooting hoops and getting dusty. it was dancing on the grass to no music at all and jumping into his arms in pure all-consuming bliss.

this was about me falling deeper in love. in a way i never saw coming like it did and it does, on wonderful days and ordinary days and days i don’t expect, as i spend time watching and observing and noticing every small and important detail of the way he moves and looks and is. and i’m building ladders and bridges and mountains of love to him for him because of him. and i’m learning everyday.

until i burst

i’ve started carving indents in a life of longing and searching. i’ve started finding myself filling in and travelling through a channel, in a place to drown and love. to find in the darkness. to know in the daytime as the sun shines and i discover more about myself in the quiet and unknowing. in the moments of confusion and fear. in the tremors of the earth as i press my ear against the dirt. i hear my pulse throb.

i stand and watch the walls of the gorge rise and fall in breaths of living and belonging. and for the first time in the longest time my heart cries as i smile a gentle smile and remember why i’m here.

this. this is all and everything it’s about. in streams of light on emerald leaves glowing gold. in the smell of pine and the stickiness of sap on my fingers that sticks as i grab hold of a big, barky tree and haul myself up a rock and dry-leaf covered ravine.

i am so small standing by waterfalls so big.

and suddenly i realise. we are and have always been all the atoms of ourselves. we are ecstatic pieces of memories and stories and definitiveness. we are everything we’ll never know and everything we always wanted to be. we are, i am. this is all there is and all we need.

today

it rained on me. hot, heavy drops of humid air falling from a flattened and glaring grey sky. i walked and it smelled of wetted asphalt and smoky gasoline and dirty brown grassiness dampened by those hot, heavy drops of humid air, delivered to my t-shirt and my toes and my hair from this near-white seattle sky with no dimension or texture or clouds to decipher.