he kissed me in the middle of the street. on a still night, no wind, no noise. the smell of humidity, and rain on the road. the heat crawling up my legs.
he tasted like summer.
summer of lazy days that turn into night, so beautifully slow. dusk hanging on to day, so long. salty hair and sandy toes. breathless, completely taken [and happy to be] by the sun and the sea.
the heat makes my mind clear. i don’t think about tomorrow or what i have to do. it’s complete and euphoric silence in my mind. on days like these. summer and heat and sweaty legs on leather seats. windows trying their hardest.
the moment takes over my mind. not my thoughts. not the energy in my lungs or the feeling on my skin. it’s just an endless instant of nothingness. no future. no worries. just now. just this. just kisses in the middle of the street.
summer’s crawling into my life. pull me in whenever you like. i’m waiting for these moments, to blur my senses but sharpen my heart. to fall blindly into everything. i won’t let it be just about my mind. from now on, i’ll just do what feels right. no second thoughts. no weighing the options. i’ll just let it be and let live. que sera sera.
i’m not feeling like i have been [which is a bad thing]. something has shifted [bad], something has changed [bad]. i miss me. but, honestly. i’m behaving like i don’t know what i want, like i’m rolling with bad timing and poor fit. it’s not me. it’s not who i know.
it rained tonight. rained on the warm asphalt. it smelt so sweet. i love that smell. it makes me think of summertime.
i know i need to sleep. i know i’ll wake in the morning with a fresh mind, clear and excited again. but i can’t tear myself away. it’s like i’m hypnotised from the methodical tapping of my fingers on the keyboard. [like that feeling when your eyes glaze over – you can still see, but only outlines of blurred shapes and glowing silhouettes]. the thing is, i want to write, but there’s something holding me back. so i can’t write and i can’t sleep. go figure.
that something that shifted is undeniably noticeable. i can feel it. in every breath.
i hope my dreams are peaceful tonight.
come on. let’s do this. let’s get things going. it’s time to throw hands in the air and give high-fives. it’s time to get moving, universe. give me something. put it out there. let me start. i’m ready. i can’t tell you anymore; in any other way, with any more gusto or enthusiasm or conviction. let’s go!
i leave next week. it hit me this morning. when i woke up, stepped outside and smelled the freshness of autumn coming to a close (don’t think cold, think island). perfect.
outside, the sun looks warm. it’s only early, so i’ll wait a bit to bask in its burn. until then, i’ll pull together all my loose ends and bundle them as best i can. there is so much i still need to do, and of course i leave it to the last minute – that’s just me.
so as i scurry to finish up my time here, instead of ticking off my list of things to do, i think. i think about these past two months (or so). how they don’t feel like that at all. days began to blur together. same tasks, same routine, same excitement. don’t get me wrong, it has been a crazy adventure that has tested me in more ways that one, good and bad. but i don’t feel like it has been two months.
the first two days felt like two years. i was so unsure. so out of my comfort zone. after i relaxed a little, time flew by. and now, here we are. time flew by. time escaped me. that seems to be happening a lot. time flying by.
the sprinklers come on, shooting in all directions, making erratic patterns on my wall of sun and shadows. they remind me of routine. every morning. 8:40am. routine is bearable when you live on an island.
i haven’t written in a while. yes, it has only been a few days but considering the mass amount of posts i was making, it seems like a while. for me.
see, i haven’t been feeling up to it. the last few days have been crazy. each for their own reason. all have pushed me to an edge. individual. opposing. good and bad. and ugly.
i can’t tell you why or how or what or anything. but over the past few days i’ve learned a fair bit. i’ve decided things, gone back on them. yes, then no, maybe, perhaps. i have been quite indecisive.
ugh. see, writing it down kind of admits it to myself. which, for the most part, i am afraid to do. so i won’t. i don’t want to give up, but i don’t want to be caught in a situation i have no power over. external influences shouldn’t control my life. i should control my life, and my time here (to be more specific). i can’t handle volatile situations, don’t need to be around aggression, anger, stress. i should take the good with the bad. but for how long? at what point do i give up, throw in the towel, say i did my best, it’s time to move on? i’ve given all i can give.
so from day to day, hour to hour, i will change my mind. if in doubt, go without right? but what if i doubt both choices…
i’m nearly at the one month mark. i’m not counting down the days, just pointing out a fact. there is still so much to do here. for me, i’m not done. not yet. at least that’s how i feel for now.
only one hour and thirty six minutes left of winter…