loneliness is contagious, i learnt that fact today.

the leaves are finally finding autumn. changing and falling, the trees becoming something else. unlike me.

i swallow the struggle silently. i purge my thoughts, a million a second, to myself. inside, on my own, by choice, i suffer. mine and mine alone. but that’s the thing – it’s yours too. we’re not dissimilar, you and i. i’ll carry yours and you’ll carry mine.

let’s walk, side-by-side.

to make you feel special

if i’m always looking for something more, something bigger, must there be something bigger waiting for me?

i know you have the answer.

i think a bit about what to do next. where i’m going. figuratively, literally, in a dream state, in any which way possible. this is something i need to think about. it won’t happen on its own. i know you’ll tell me about flow, and letting it be and tai chi (or something like that) but i can’t not think about it.

it kind of scares me, too. where i’m going and what i’m doing. i get my hopes up about one thing, then it falls apart. i know something will happen. something will eventuate. but i could really do without the beating i get before it finally happens.

and i know it, once i have faith that something will happen or is happening, i forget to think about it. organically, i go on with my life. it’s there, i know it. i need to have a little faith. 

today was a thinking day. a planning day. one step back. now a hundred forward. i’ll get there. but along the way, i will think. that’s what i do. i know you think it’s silly, that i shouldn’t think so much. shouldn’t ask so many questions of myself. but words run around and play in my head all day, everyday. 

so i ask and i write and i think.