38

days
don’t think time
[they feel like weeks]
but i close my eyes
then, then! they pass me by.
so how do i speed up, how do i slow down.
?
how do i stop my heart from beating faster than it knows
how
?
watching clocks.
thinking
ticking
passing
thinking
thinking
passing.

here
we
go
!!

this full moon, december 6.

in the fullness of the moon tonight, i feel something more. there is no wind. there is no storm. yet everything in me stirs so violently.
so misshapen is my heart.
in tangles, my soul.
everything in me is tearing, afire with a great and honest desire to be everywhere, all at once, discovering something new and feeling something more than a longing for what has already passed me by, for what has already been, before.

bring me my future so muddied but so surely bright [seconds are second to this]. i breathe and collapse into the thinnest air – lightheaded, confused, curious and feeling my way through the darkness. and even though the big and silver moon sets alight this big and blackened sky, it has never felt as dark as now. but, there exists a flame that burns brighter than anything could tonight.

i wait on tippie toes, eyes closed, full of hope, and trusting in all the magic of all the mountains i’ve ever thought or tried to climb. she hasn’t failed me yet. she’s all i’ve got.