i’m reading women who run with the wolves. it’s evoking a need to do a whole lot of looking inward. discovering who i am while travelling the curves of this lifetime of feeling and seeing and doing. the learning never stops. the love and soul-work never stops. every breath unravels new answers. it’s self-discovery it’s choosing to know. every minute we can make space for more awareness, joy, heart and soul. life is so precious.
it’s all become clear.
i get it.
i see it!
what i feel
what you feel.
from near and from [this painfully] far.
i get it i see it. and it’s love. it’s our love.
oh my darling! it’s our big, big love.
and even still,
it’s even more.
but that’s the exact thing, i didn’t push you away. i didn’t make mountains out of molehills and try too hard to find it. it just came, landed lightly on my heart, and breathed an air of freshness into my soul.
my knees collapsed as my heart exploded into tiny particles of happiness, into small slivers of supposed-to-be, slicing their way through memories of remembering.
it feels oh so easy.
my spirit aches. for connectedness. an intrusion of light into my soul that burns and yearns and hungers for life. for adventure. for love. for plans that don’t, and never will, exist.
and then all at once, it unravels. like trying made it worse, struggling made knots tighter, the tangle a mess.
dry off my heart. it’s beating heavy now.
you’ll find me in your footsteps, in your swallows, in the shallows of your eyes. i’m everywhere you are.
this isn’t a dream, not anymore. it’s my new real life.
i pinch myself and laugh.
go on and fold my hair through your fingertips. brush my cheek with your warm hand. find me, see me, swallow me in wordlessness.
dear lover, it’s the gentlest touch that pulls my heart from easy resting. you’ll find a poem in the rhythm of the smallest beating moments. in the silence hear the melody. in the chaos bring me home.
my lover, dear lover, won’t you sing me to sleep. with the sweet smell of spring, and us, tangled in limbs.
i miss you. like an unending story of heartbreak, pain and soul-wrenching, gut-churning, complete, wretched, unfortunate loss.
wipe tiny tears from the edges of my heart.
you sit so quietly, always, in the back of my imagination.
feed my soul.
my skin, my cells, my blood, muscles and bones – my body – feels happy, full, strong. but like a starving bluebird in an ornate cage, i ache. i hunger. for everything i don’t have. for everything i need to survive, to flourish, to dream. to be me [my spirit, my life, my soul – the energy of my being].
a waterfall of flavour, a torrent of craving. it will never be enough.
it was like it always existed, but never showed up til then. til now.
there’s an alchemist that lives in my heart. he injects my veins with love, with light, with energy, spirit, passion, hunger for belonging, and longing for it all. i watch as the elixir evaporates into tiny particles of loveliness. like sundays in a summer dress; autumn leaves that float too gently through the rippling breeze; dew gathering momentum as it slides into itself down blades of grass; then the smell of spring – of tulips, a hillside, the warming sun on dampened pavement.
the seasons of my heart, making good what has never been bad, just empty. til then, til now. i watch it fall like the leaves of the elm trees that line the street below my house.
it’s beating fast tonight. something has me on edge. i’m snappy and i’m angry and i’m taking it out on people i love most. i’m sorry, i am.
i think it’s because she’s leaving. a wonderful girl – running away to chase her dreams – flying to london tomorrow, to see the bridge fall down, ride a double decker bus, eat scones, wave to the queen, and do everything else you do there. not that it’s new, to her.
in a serious way, i’ll miss her like mad. but the excitement i feel for her swells in my veins. the love i feel for the moments i know await her, is physical. overwhelming. it’s like a dream you can’t escape – fluid and vivid and full of scents that pull memories to mind.
and i’ll be there soon enough, feeling something new everyday. finding my way, wandering in lust for the big fat world eating me up.
bon voyage ranny. may every moment be food for your soul.