twenty-eight, twenty-seven, twenty-six

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auckland, new zealand

it was all glare and glassiness along the bike path this morning as i walked in strides larger than my usual upon dampened darkened concrete, all puddles and wet footprints.
i tried to beat the rain. [and i beat the rain until halfway.]
the wind blew the tress i took my strides beneath and shook fat and stagnant water droplets from fluttering, wailing leaves. and so it rained without raining and i smiled in the sunlight that streamed between my lashes. [i’m sure the shadows were divine.]
i squinted.
and i thought about how perfect the morning would become, if a rainbow just appeared. [it really was just the right kind of moment for one. all rain in the distance, dark cloud and the sun.]

i rounded the corner up ponsonby road, and looked to my left as i crossed the bridge over cars and commuters, and i saw it beaming there. i became wholly lost in a delirium of joy and perfection. i smiled. i stopped. i stared. and tears stung the back of my eyes that throbbed with everything, it all made so much sense.

all the good things

she is wrapped in rainbows, they cover her sides [it’s how i’d spot her lying on the beach]. they’re perfect.

she is wrapped in goodness, it devours her. it escapes on her breath, as a cradle for her words and intent.

she is everything wonderful. made of beauty and sunshine. made of love and heartfelt promises that run just deep enough.

she smiles and she laughs and she tells me not to worry.
i do
because i care
because she’s wonderful
and good
and made of all the heat and light of the sunshine,
all the glowing beauty of a rainbow that appears when you need it most.
when hope is waning but not yet lost, when the gloom is overwhelming [you’ll never drown].

she smiles.

what is.

everything feels frantic. i’m anxious and on edge. it feels like it’s all getting away from me. like life is moving too fast. and it’s taking my precious time with it. 

i feel out of control. out of my body, at times. i feel disconnected and everything seems vague and dreamlike. it’s unnerving. 

i like to be in control. it’s testing to not be. and it’s taking it’s toll.

oh give me something tangible to take into my dreams. something to hold onto in the darkness. make my life miserably brilliant. depressingly perfect. enviable to myself. bring me my wishes and princes on white horses. rainbows with treasure chests and fairy dust at my bedside. let me wake to beautiful memories of dreams too painfully vivid. everlasting love and til death do we part. those kisses that will bring you back to life. 

the fairytale.

let me live it and remember it forever.

and these moments now, of uncontrollableness, well let them be a part of it all. the bigger picture of life and other things. the contrast of the serene beauty and the painstaking reality of a passionate life. the ghost of regret that lingers too long, no matter your denial.

i’ll live in the moment. there’s nothing but now. i’ll remember that the next time i listen to you speak, and nothing sinks in. i’ll be present. stay here. listen. take it all in. i won’t be absent, i’ll be involved.

cross my heart.

i spend my life waiting.

i’m feeling a bit revived. like someone took a tiny ray of the sun and put it in my dreams. i like rainbows, a lot. that honest way they move me when i see them, is what i want to feel everyday – for every minute i live.

i want to know who gave me the sun.

there’s an ambition in me now, one i think i lost for some moments, when i got myself lost in some moments. i feel it bubbling under my skin and deep in my heart. the physical feeling from the smells and the sounds and the memories. the weeks lost in journeys and those people with their stories so full. the cherry that made it all worthwhile.

so grateful, i am. humbled, too. it’s not often you get this lucky – at least i don’t think. so i count my blessings one by one, day by day. you don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

i lay here in a moment that feels like grace. if i could float i think i would. because i’ve found my plans again. i’ll wait, everyday, for however long it takes, to know that i’ll be seeing rainbows.

keep feeding me those little rays of sun.

we were speaking about it, mum and i, standing outside our beach house. a rainbow appeared in the sky, the end of it glowing gently on the surface of the sea. it grew and it intensified and it became a perfect full rainbow. you can’t tell me there’s nothing after this life.

chasing happiness.

i run towards it. everyday.

that feeling of joy, the squeal and the excitement of the purest moment of happiness. the one you feel even after it fades to a memory.

the smell, the reminder, the tingle down your spine. the love, the freedom the moments lost in time floating by so fast you forget to keep up. so you slow it down and appreciate every second. but in the end, even that only lasts a while.

you get one shot. be grateful. do it right.

we waste too much. too much energy, too much emotion…

too much time.

so think about what you want and who you are and how everything will work out. life is magical, miraculous, more than we can imagine. 

chase the newness of tomorrow. the dream, the love, the rainbows. life is perfect.