i read a list i wrote
three, or four
and i lost my breath
and i felt my head
spin and blur along the melodic notes of the greatest symphony I’ve ever heard.
the list it seems
made a mark of sorts
from all my dreaming
from all my wanting
from all the everything i could ever choose.
oh sure, you can fall in love in a day
really, you can –
it’s a whole, entire, day,
[you can be anyone,
become the biggest part of it or nothing at all
in a day.]
don’t tell me!
you don’t believe in love at first sight?
well, there’s a special kinda thing, you know,
when two people find their way back to one another
[without ever meeting in this life before]
an outstretched hand,
a hello my name is,
an instant realisation that this is why you live
why you search.
and in it you find a missing piece of yourself, buried and waiting to be discovered, right there, in that other being standing opposite you – one you know both nothing and everything about –
seeing that they see it too.
and finding they were living in you.
all this time.
all this time.
a million wasted hours
but all of it wasted
just for this.
i am not my weight, i am not my age, i am not my height. nor am i the colour of my skin or eyes or hair. i am not woman not female, lady or girl. i am not the poor decisions i’ve made in the past, or the things i once chose to prioritise. i am not the little money i’ve had, or the money i’ve spent. i am not my drunken nights, not my excuses or my reasons, not the things i say, not the things i should have said.
i am not my mistakes.
i am not the same as you.
i am not,
and never will be,
what you expect me to be.
i am me.
i am flawed.
i am human.
[photo: greenlake. seattle, washington]
i don’t know where it came from, but i stumble gracefully over it with fear, with excitement, with a truth and ease to settle me.
i don’t know why it’s now,
but i know it’s happening
with or without me knowing why.
so maybe that’s a reason to give in to the reality of the feelings spreading over and through my skin [and where you’ve been caught so comfortably underneath it all].
my mind is flushed with rose
as i watch the leaves fall for fall,
in a colour not too different.
we smile through glances that last not a second too long.
we sip coffee and talk like it’s been more than a little while coming.
and the weather makes for a never-ending day cool enough to cool what’s burning in questions and answers all the same.
maybe it’s in the name. that craziness, that driving me insane.
[it happened once before.]
will i ever see you
a night sky littered with stars, more white than black. with gentleness, it pulls its way across the sky.
‘i love you to the moon
and we’re made of stardust, you and i.
and we’re made of dreams too – you’ll see.
because this isn’t about the you and the me,
this is about the us,
even if it’s gone,
it lives on
in memories so vivid so strong.
and i wonder where you are,
or if you look at these same stars
and if you think about me,
with a feeling and a name
and thoughts of day, night, mid-morning,
all the same.
you left me with a kiss,
as we giggled,
and it was this
that made it all the everything
that may be all it is.
so if we’re made of stardust [and we’re made of nothing]
[and between us lives that nothing] and
made of the same things
that we are
then we’ll be travelling side-by-side in this crazy, beautiful life,
we’ll be travelling, oh watch us fly! i’m free, you’re free.