this full moon, december 6.

in the fullness of the moon tonight, i feel something more. there is no wind. there is no storm. yet everything in me stirs so violently.
so misshapen is my heart.
in tangles, my soul.
everything in me is tearing, afire with a great and honest desire to be everywhere, all at once, discovering something new and feeling something more than a longing for what has already passed me by, for what has already been, before.

bring me my future so muddied but so surely bright [seconds are second to this]. i breathe and collapse into the thinnest air – lightheaded, confused, curious and feeling my way through the darkness. and even though the big and silver moon sets alight this big and blackened sky, it has never felt as dark as now. but, there exists a flame that burns brighter than anything could tonight.

i wait on tippie toes, eyes closed, full of hope, and trusting in all the magic of all the mountains i’ve ever thought or tried to climb. she hasn’t failed me yet. she’s all i’ve got.

aloha pt. ii

i still think about telling you how much i despise our guarded and sorry, vanilla goodbye.
all because i didn’t want you seeing me cry.

[as i took that first step from your side, a piece of me stayed in your pockets, on your lips, in the space between your fingers and mine.]

my darling, my darling,
don’t worry,
those tears, they came, but they weren’t so bad. they were for the letting go of something that now belongs to you –
it’s not mine anymore, but maybe, instead, forever yours.
so be gentle, my love, it’s made of our memories, of the prettiest parts of all of this.
my love, be gentle and whisper,
it’s softness that’ll be
the undoing of me
of the guarding and the worrying,
of the everything.

skimming rocks

our lives are made of ripples.
someone drops a stone.
we watch the lines expand,
grow,
burn and flow,
until the edges
meet the shore
and back it goes
once more.

our lives are made of ripples.
the stories become longer
the details smear and smudge
but the feeling
[the effect]
stains the very edges
of the hearts
we try our
hardest
to protect.

our lives are made of ripples.
they move as far as the lake of our love allows
they change
when they ebb
against logs
and rocks
and lily pads
or when ducks go paddling by
or when dark clouds drop raindrops from this great humungous sky
and there reflected in us,
[the thing we never see]
we miss it, we wish.
and i wonder
maybe if i was in the sky
and instead the lake was looking
at me.

you remember it, that day
and those ripples that you made?
as the moon rose
and looked so long,
stretched, then not
and bobbing upon a mercury lagoon.
it was all so full of you
your wish to see it there
upon the glassy, rippling water
your wish to feel it there
and share
your very favourite thing
with me.

yours

curve your spirit to mine and find the straight and wayward lines to travel by. cross your heart [don’t hope to die].
be still
be light
let’s take our time.

smile more

IMG_8651.JPG
[sunset over the adirondacks across lake champlain. burlington, vermont]

i have more lines around my eyes than ever. and beauty spots have appeared in places they never were before.

because laughter and adventure have left their own kind of scars, and now they appear in stories and people etched and imprinted all over my heart.

i guess i’m getting older, but that matters less and less. because the older i get the longer i’m here, the more i feel and see and breathe.

and i begin to realise
how perfectly wonderful
how truly incredible
it is just to be alive.

ok.

maybe it’s in the name. that craziness, that driving me insane.
[it happened once before.]
i’ll wonder
for days
of where,
and when,
will i ever see you
again?

q&a

a night sky littered with stars, more white than black. with gentleness, it pulls its way across the sky.

‘i love you to the moon
and back.’ 

and we’re made of stardust, you and i.
and we’re made of dreams too – you’ll see.
because this isn’t about the you and the me,
this is about the us,
the we.

even if it’s gone,
you know,
i know,
it lives on
in memories so vivid so strong.
and i wonder where you are,
or if you look at these same stars
and if you think about me,
like i
think
about
you:

with a feeling and a name
and thoughts of day, night, mid-morning,
all the same.

you left me with a kiss,
as we giggled,
and it was this
that made it all the everything
that may be all it is.

so if we’re made of stardust [and we’re made of nothing]
[and between us lives that nothing] and
we stare
at stars
made of the same things
that we are
then we’ll be travelling side-by-side in this crazy, beautiful life,
we’ll be travelling, oh watch us fly! i’m free, you’re free.

love,
is why.