longer, still

once, we didn’t know each other. once, we hadn’t met. i was younger then, and maybe not quite me, i was just searching and waiting for life to sweep me off my feet.
then, it was you.
forever it is you.
so maybe this was written
entirely in the stars.
a constellation love story burning bright, somewhere far across the universe.
there was never a beginning, you know, just a place where we picked up. a moment in time to bring us back together.
we were only ever inches from each other,
for each other.
made for this.
to meet and meet and meet again.
in all the lifetimes we’ve ever had.
and we might spend eternity finding one another in that writing in the stars.
i’ve known you from ago.

new friends old place new place old friends

here i am,
wednesday,
drinking tea in starbucks, it tastes like spearmint [though he told me that it wouldn’t, but i don’t want to complain. i swear i’ll never learn].

travelling, writing, adventuring, living, making a life with a man i love with all my heart. strolling together, hand in hand, along the streaming days that pass us by. and there goes a week.
i’m living. i’m living and finding my feet in this fairytale’s summertime heat.

last night i sat on the roof of a building in pioneer square watching the sun as it set behind a veil of sheeting clouds and silhouette mountains on the puget sound.
the wind blew goosebumps onto my bare skin and set a tall, billowing flag floating strong and proud into nowhere, reminding me of the place i’m in.

i drank red wine over dinner with a girl i feel i’ve known a while longer than i have. we spoke about life and love and adventures and connection. flames of the fire pit blew towards us as the warmth of our conversation grew and expanded to life’s biggest priorities, our feminine independence and the beauty of loving ourselves.

two then became three as we devoured dessert in the dulling light and laughed about the silliest things. two girls and a guy, a rooftop and the naked navy sky with no moon to light it. we settled into knowing each other and melted into the gas and heat of the fire burning at our feet.

but it feels like rain

i burn and i shiver and it’s you.
in trembling hands and lips and skin it’s you.
i walk into the fire (you you you) and i burn and i shiver and i move
with you.
burning for you
walking through
you
you
completely
wickedly
you
i’m burning i’m on fire i’m all heat and heart and yearning. and yeses too far apart
i’m burning i’m breathing
but there’s no air.
even in your heat i still breathe.

but it’s different. it’s more. 

i surrender

it’s your love
that keeps me so desperately alive.

night one

i’m scared to fall asleep
in this bed
without you here,
without you lying next to
me.

.

drown in dreary darkness
in a hopeless distant wonder
of a time and place with nothing but the sound
of all that’s pure and pleasant.
like the wind.
like sunlight.
like whispering you love me against my lips into my open mouth as we kiss
deeply
wholly.
drown in breaths so shallow, so gasping and so urgent.
drown in the emotion that both murders and revives
that both swears and sighs
that casts and reels
hides and reveals.
drown in all the loneliness, the emptiness, the suffering.
drown in the mystery and blue of my vast unending sea.
and i’ll float up your veins
and drown
in your thick red blood, love-stained

it won’t be long before we’re a saturated mix of
salty water bloodied love.

so happy to drown.
so happy to drown.

stories

and one day soon
i’ll find my way
[across seas and hurdles
and life]
back to you.

and you’ll hold me like i never could leave and i’ll stay there like i never would move and the heat will make us melt into the breath between the kiss between this love between all of me and all of you.

and all this time will fade as we melt
and everything will be still as we melt
and we’ll realise how hard it will be
to leave
once more
as we melt.

and one day, our melting
[all of mine and all of yours]
will blur and blend
[oh, we won’t be able to tell our melted parts apart].

i’ll take your reds and make pinks and you’ll take my yellows and make greens. and our rainbow will be the only home we’ll want to know and we’ll burn burn burn as one. warmer and brighter than we ever could before.

and like no other.
it’s ours.

“i know you’re tired but come, this is the way.” – rumi

and i feel like myself, a little more a little more. as each minute passes. as light fades to turn the sky to the darkest blue and black.
i’ve been waiting all day to escape to the coma of a dream-filled night 
as the sun and the warmth have done nothing but mock the numb and the burnt and the broken. 
i feel like myself a little more and more than that.
but that’s all.

this full moon, december 6.

in the fullness of the moon tonight, i feel something more. there is no wind. there is no storm. yet everything in me stirs so violently.
so misshapen is my heart.
in tangles, my soul.
everything in me is tearing, afire with a great and honest desire to be everywhere, all at once, discovering something new and feeling something more than a longing for what has already passed me by, for what has already been, before.

bring me my future so muddied but so surely bright [seconds are second to this]. i breathe and collapse into the thinnest air – lightheaded, confused, curious and feeling my way through the darkness. and even though the big and silver moon sets alight this big and blackened sky, it has never felt as dark as now. but, there exists a flame that burns brighter than anything could tonight.

i wait on tippie toes, eyes closed, full of hope, and trusting in all the magic of all the mountains i’ve ever thought or tried to climb. she hasn’t failed me yet. she’s all i’ve got.

aloha pt. ii

i still think about telling you how much i despise our guarded and sorry, vanilla goodbye.
all because i didn’t want you seeing me cry.

[as i took that first step from your side, a piece of me stayed in your pockets, on your lips, in the space between your fingers and mine.]

my darling, my darling,
don’t worry,
those tears, they came, but they weren’t so bad. they were for the letting go of something that now belongs to you –
it’s not mine anymore, but maybe, instead, forever yours.
so be gentle, my love, it’s made of our memories, of the prettiest parts of all of this.
my love, be gentle and whisper,
it’s softness that’ll be
the undoing of me
of the guarding and the worrying,
of the everything.

skimming rocks

our lives are made of ripples.
someone drops a stone.
we watch the lines expand,
grow,
burn and flow,
until the edges
meet the shore
and back it goes
once more.

our lives are made of ripples.
the stories become longer
the details smear and smudge
but the feeling
[the effect]
stains the very edges
of the hearts
we try our
hardest
to protect.

our lives are made of ripples.
they move as far as the lake of our love allows
they change
when they ebb
against logs
and rocks
and lily pads
or when ducks go paddling by
or when dark clouds drop raindrops from this great humungous sky
and there reflected in us,
[the thing we never see]
we miss it, we wish.
and i wonder
maybe if i was in the sky
and instead the lake was looking
at me.

you remember it, that day
and those ripples that you made?
as the moon rose
and looked so long,
stretched, then not
and bobbing upon a mercury lagoon.
it was all so full of you
your wish to see it there
upon the glassy, rippling water
your wish to feel it there
and share
your very favourite thing
with me.