getting it done

things are moving.

happening.

changing.

i’m close to tears every second of the day. i’m breathless with excitement. i’m incredibly in love with the life that’s waiting for me.

just
around
the corner.

ready, set, go.

freed up.

it hit home today. when i opened my 2011 diary and there was nothing written after today. no plans.

none

at

all…

2010 me would have liked this.

2011 me hates it.

so it looks like this blog is extending its stay. we aren’t going anywhere soon. lucky you? perhaps. count your blessings. so i start the year again. with all the same fervor of last year. a huge amount of that same wanting, desiring, yearning. wanting so much i loath myself for trying.

but why should i hate myself for something i have no control over? out of my hands, i begin to think. i can’t control everything. or anything, for that matter. i am floating in a place between wanting to get back on the horse and letting go. how pathetic.

there is so much to look forward to. i know that. i know all the things that will make me jump back into trying. i know it all. 

time, time, time.

back to square one. i have such high expectations of myself. i should release the pressure. i’m sure everyone feels this way, at some point in their lives.

in your career, in love, in health. in life. disappointment that it didn’t work out how you wanted it to. does that make me a spoilt brat? maybe. i didn’t get my way and it pisses me off. but that’s okay. i’ll get over it.

plans

“hey, howrya?” i smiled, kept walking. “god bless you,” he enthused. and after catching the print on my backpack, “oh i love hawaii too! right ooon girrrl,” continued the man with no front teeth and a pot belly in dirty clothes with a plastic bag filled with what seemed to be, his only possessions. i laughed to myself.

there are lots of homeless people in lahaina. they sleep on the beach, on the street, wherever they can. it’s warm here. it doesn’t rain much, either. you could drive 10 minutes north or 10 minutes south and it would be storming. lahaina stays dry.

a paradise. for visitors, locals, those passing through. me.

but i’m leaving.

in 10 days.

change of plan. change of heart. i booked flights and i’m leaving. again. away from another place i only just started to get to know. but i feel good. i feel positive. i am excited about the next part of my adventure. leading me back to the past to hugs and laughter and old times with old friends in new places. giddy with anticipation of seeing those i’ve dreamed of seeing since the day they left.

i can’t sit still.

bigger

one of my brothers doesn’t like what i’m doing with my life. and what is that? well, nothing at the moment…but big plans to travel.

when i started writing this blog, i was in an interesting place. and i still am. between seeing out one phase of my life and welcoming another. caught between. i’m quite comfortable where i am. i’ve stopped punishing myself for not doing what was expected of me, and started believing that i am doing the right thing. no matter what that is. i’ll always be doing what i’m meant to be doing.

so, you can understand why it came as quite a shock when my brother gave me his opinion and told me how different i was to both my brothers – apparently, i’m not business/success driven; lecturing me and telling me life revolves around money so i should start making some and forget any other plans i may have. “don’t you want to get a job?” he said, “you have a degree, it’s time to start working, earning money, settling down.”

am i meant to believe life is nothing without money? i understand the importance of it, but brother, even if i had only a cent to my name, i would still have the love and support of my family.

money means nothing.

i have never done the norm. never followed suit. in the known history of my entire family, extended included, i am the only one to have gained a university degree. now, is it so wrong for me to want to experience the world? meet a million people. get lost in a city. it is something i long to do. i am not simply biding my time, aimlessly waiting for something to happen. i am going to make things happen. but, for now, a career can wait. my career will wait.

and in the meantime, life will happen.

so to you, dear brother, respect what i am doing. i am in a perfect place to travel, move, become involved in a place other than my home. i have nothing holding me down. no job, no partner, no responsibility other than myself. so, i want to see bigger things. there is so much more than this city. i can’t help believing in the wonders i could be experiencing. this doesn’t mean i love you, or the family, any less. i know i’ll miss things. i know things might happen while i’m gone that i’ll look back on and think i wish i was there. but those are the sacrifices i am willing to make. i can’t stay here just in case something big happens.

i am twenty one. so, while i’m young, i’ll do everything i can.