loosening

it’s windy tonight.

i like the wind. i like the way it rustles my life, the way it scatters the papers of the plans i’m meant to have. they float around my soul, so perfectly weightless. so indelible in their uselessness.

so then let it all come undone.

nothing but a number

“i’m not thinking about next year,” i told her when she asked me of my plans. i used to think in years, set goals in years, tell myself next year is the year. but that’s not me anymore.

it’s all just a way of keeping track, but instead of time as my gauge, i’m using events, those insignificant things that happen everyday. the ones we often look past. opportunity is a funny thing, it turns perception into acceptance. there’s no use being angry at the things you can’t change. the moments that melt away after an hour or two. i’ve found they just become added to the list of day to day events. apparently it’s called life.

this year is no different to next year. it’s only numbers on a calendar. 

but i won’t lie, i’m looking forward to 2012. the new seasons, the career moves, holding my first niece or nephew, seeing my brother marry, my parents live a glowing life, falling in love.

if i want to make plans, set goals, think ahead, i’ll do it all today. it’s day by day starting now. there’s no point waiting any longer. today is as good as any other. i’m just taking it as it comes. 

that time taken

there is a certain sense of direction i’ve now gained from what is happening. a knowingness. a clarity. it’s all new. it’s all exciting.

this direction and knowingness and clarity is pushing me toward a future i never prepared for, never planned for. one i thought would just happen. and now the universe is taking its time to open its graces to me and let me be someone. make myself. create a life to live and forget about that time i spent biding.

i’m slowly finding my way out of limbo. slowly patching up the holes of any plan i tried to make. slowly finding my feet.

in this world of uncertainty, it’s not an arrow i’m looking for. not a map or a sign or anything to lead me to anywhere in particular. it’s just a backpack full of whatever i need to make my way to wherever i choose. wherever i end up. knowing i was meant to be there and all this time spent caught between was just destiny in disguise.