here i am,
drinking tea in starbucks, it tastes like spearmint [though he told me that it wouldn’t, but i don’t want to complain. i swear i’ll never learn].
travelling, writing, adventuring, living, making a life with a man i love with all my heart. strolling together, hand in hand, along the streaming days that pass us by. and there goes a week.
i’m living. i’m living and finding my feet in this fairytale’s summertime heat.
last night i sat on the roof of a building in pioneer square watching the sun as it set behind a veil of sheeting clouds and silhouette mountains on the puget sound.
the wind blew goosebumps onto my bare skin and set a tall, billowing flag floating strong and proud into nowhere, reminding me of the place i’m in.
i drank red wine over dinner with a girl i feel i’ve known a while longer than i have. we spoke about life and love and adventures and connection. flames of the fire pit blew towards us as the warmth of our conversation grew and expanded to life’s biggest priorities, our feminine independence and the beauty of loving ourselves.
two then became three as we devoured dessert in the dulling light and laughed about the silliest things. two girls and a guy, a rooftop and the naked navy sky with no moon to light it. we settled into knowing each other and melted into the gas and heat of the fire burning at our feet.
and i feel like myself, a little more a little more. as each minute passes. as light fades to turn the sky to the darkest blue and black.
i’ve been waiting all day to escape to the coma of a dream-filled night
as the sun and the warmth have done nothing but mock the numb and the burnt and the broken.
i feel like myself a little more and more than that.
but that’s all.
i was stretched on my back, on a picnic table on a deck, looking up in astounding delightedness. shooting stars and fireflies made movement in the stillness. my mind emptied of care, all thoughts were sparse. i was a part of the nighttime and the darkness as it all exploded behind my eyes – shooting stars and those pretty, flitting fireflies, the first night i ever saw them.
the blackness was pinched with pinpricks of white light, so unusually bright, so usually dimmed by cities and society. and across the sky the milky way shifted. i felt uneasy and so comfortable with my momentary insignificance, feebleness.
the sky is so big. the stars are so far away. i am the smallest part of the ever long. but i am all of it too, and all of it is born and lives in me.
so maybe the world is small and i am bigger than i know. because i can express these illogical, incomprehensible feelings. i can make whatever meaning i like of the emotion that floods my being. i can find my place within the life i’m living and accepting for myself. i have chosen this. and i am so satisfied with that.
i breathed into the night and exhaled a sigh of content.
i don’t know if i’ve ever seen a night sky so pretty.
sometimes, when i lay awake in bed, i’ll write, until the words, like a lullaby, push and pull against the melody of my memory to rock me so gently to sleep.
staining my closed eyes with thoughts of dreaming, it keeps its distance. for a little while. but it doesn’t take long – once the words stop crawling and the day stops spinning and my body releases my heart from its anxious pounding, from its relentless grip – rest becomes me.
time to dream. time to sleep. time to lose hours so freely. time like no other, no track or measure. just time, peace, perfect pace.
keep the nightmares away. catch my sweet thoughts, let them last into day.
pleasant dreams and sweet ones.
…pointing towards the sun, drinking every last ray of light as they closed their petals to dream.
the moon hid behind the clouds tonight, the glowing arc peaking through. i wish i could have taken a photo that did it any sort of justice.
sneak inside my thoughts and you’ll see my memory’s happy.