twinkle twinkle

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you know pearl, you can’t touch the stars, they’re very, very far away.

well aaunty,
when i get bigga,
i can touch the staaars.

i can gwrab dem all.

she said. nodding her head in unwavering assuredness.

i’ve been looking, i’ve been wandering. i’ve been intertwining my life with as many similar soul searchers as fate allows.
she’s two and a half and she has all the answers.
the innocence. the possibility. an uninhibited, simple fire for an uninhibited, simple life. for joy. for amplifying happiness with books and songs, balloons, music and dancing. with stories from memories, from her imagination. feeding goldfish, blowing bubbles. singing and laughing and loving.

she’s a good kid. the best kid i know.

she will touch the stars, big or small, they twinkle and shine for her.

thank you

and last night we all slept in one big bed and pearl was tossing and turning and her feet and legs were all over the place and i couldn’t help but laugh aloud, and i did, and so did she and so did leah and then i went silent as tears took over laughter and i wept.

i wept.

i cried in a way i’ve never cried before. i cried for how much i miss her, even as she sleeps right next to me. i cried for the amount of love i have for her. i cried for all the things i won’t be around for once i say goodbye again. i don’t want her to leave, i don’t want them to leave. i love them, so much. i miss my family. more than ever. the homesickness feels physical, emotional. i had it figured out, it was buried deep in my aching heart, but having them here has shifted all that has been hiding it from plain sight and daylight. it’s not a 3am feeling anymore, it’s 24 hours of every heat-filled day. and the heat seems only to be building in each hour and minute i’m away.

i love this life, the uncertainty of my future, flying by the seat of my pants, chasing dreams and summer, the unknowingness. but i miss my biggest loves,
more than i knew,
more than i can say,
more than my quiet heart knows how to feel.

i can’t tell you how grateful i am for you to be here.
it’s nothing, she said.
it’s everything, i said right back.

my heart breaks as i think about them leaving. i don’t know if i’m ready to miss them all over again.

hawaiian loves

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oh my goodness, i want to tell you all about it!

i want to tell you how my heart raced and my breath was caught between my throat and escape. i want to tell you how intently i watched the exit, thinking everyone was them as my eyes lit up with the excitement that rushed around my body. i want to tell you the feeling that came over me when i saw them, walking out the door, nearly exactly how i remember. the loving relief of her mum, the recognition in her eyes and the cheekiness in her grin. how my heart melted with happiness. how my tears welled with gladness. how everything was just so right when she wrapped her tiny fingers around my own so big and clumsy, and walked with me, chatting, asking me questions, looking up and giggling at me. her two and a half years can’t explain how clever she is, she’s witty so wise so very wonderful, beyond her years.

pearl and her mummy on their debut overseas adventure, to visit me in hawaii. i think i just might be the luckiest girl in this world.

pearl

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i miss this beautiful girl. more than i can say. she’s changing faster than anything else i left behind. it’s the difference i’ll notice, in her height, her voice, her cheeky personality.

my darling, pearl. i love you.

baby love.

i honestly think that all this time waiting for love was just a longing to fill a space in my heart. i have so much raw love to give but never have i been able to fully let it go and pour it into another. my little niece has become the meaning for everything i’ve wanted – unconditional love. she’s giving me so much, this three day old baby, giving me everything i’ve been looking for. already. this new life, new beginning, new baby, letting me love.

it was the most special moment – holding my niece for the first time. she has filled this place in my heart that seems to have been waiting just for this. i don’t know if i will ever get used to the love i feel for her. the excitement, thoughts filled. nothing else matters. beautiful baby pearl.

pearl audrey rose.

he opened the door with her in his arms. it was so natural. my brother with his big, strong arms with his tiny, tiny baby.

and then i started crying. crying from the miracle of it all. one day she was a bump in a tummy, the next, she’s here. i couldn’t stop the crying. couldn’t stop the absolute overflowing of emotions spilling from my every pore, rolling down my cheeks the tears of happiness and joy.

and then i held her, i felt the bare weight of her little body against my own, saw her eyes and her fingers and toes. her little, little body.

and then she looked at me. with deep blue eyes she saw me. this miracle. i met her with tears and a pouring of love and so many hopes for her future. my little niece named pearl.