i still think about you. i still feel the corners of my lips react to the pretty memories i keep. so close. they fit in between the everything else. they bulge and take up the space of all the rest.
they are the everything else, they are all the rest. they made me and they changed me.
a good goodbye – no promise – but a flickering feeling so very deep down that sways and motions to the symphony that plays all day and night through the thickness and thinness, through the veins, on every beat of this tick, tick, ticking heart.
i want to write down all the things i just need to tell you, until my eyes close and i’m left only dreaming of them all. and in these beautiful dreams, i’ll be back there and we’ll be watching sunsets and running down the bike path and eating ice cream with forks and drinking the cheapest red wine talking shit and sex and life sitting on the picnic table in the yard under fairy lights and stars. and you’ll be making me laugh like i don’t ever laugh and life will be wonderful and fun and full.
oh how i miss you. i feel it in my everyday.
the signs will always point you, but rules are to be broken and your heart takes all the weight of the words you’ve never spoken.
be brave enough to follow and believe your biggest dreams, because your soul can’t always wait for life and in betweens.
the everything else that’s biting and gnawing and scratching at the ends of every day gone by every life lived in yesterday every hope of tomorrow that never really comes so you’ll make it what you’ll make it make it better make it count make it love and live everything you know so deeply in your beautiful wonderful heart the loveliest you know the loveliest there is so goddamned full of love.
i lay concrete in my arteries.
there is a point where i feel it’s not worth it anymore. the heartache and the pain. so, maybe, i push people away. maybe when i leave a place. but wait, i know i do it. so what about all these maybes?
maybe that pushing is waiting. maybe my world needs both less and more. maybe the pushing is receiving of other things worth coming.
i wrote a letter i’ll never send. a letter that’s starting to feel like nothing, again. because this moment never lasts. this moment this morning this marvellousness this momentum.
because what goes up…
there’s a natural filter here, he said, if you don’t move with the flow, follow the pace, remove the struggle and find your place within the entirety of the fluidity, you won’t find the magic. you won’t feel the energy. you won’t find open doors to open air and open hearts, you know, they’re everywhere.
there’s a finality to my days now. things are blossoming and things are closing, just how they should. just how i feel is right. there’s a bigger sense of being, a more enormous feeling of living, on this island soaked in salt water mystery.
the wind whips against my skin, coiling across the universe, leaving me in seconds of stillness to breathe and dream and wonder.
forever isn’t so long.
a suddenness made from rose petals and champagne – an all-too-soon mix of whiskey emotions.
and burning my heart.
it’s the first, today. i’m breathing into happiness and pain. a wonderful realisation of timing, to move on.
and returning to start.
the last time i see you will happen so soon. or maybe it has already passed…
time will tell the depth of my secrets, they’re hidden in the sun, the moon and the stars.