we aren’t in the business of not doing things.

darren pfeiffer. take-it-as-it-comes advice from my good (and very wise) friend.

unique and perfect me.

there’s nothing more, it’s now and it’s me. and every cell of my being exists so perfectly for the moments of my life to have fallen, settled and gathered, like this.

i am that
and
that i am.

a part of the universe. within the waves and floods, the hurricanes and wildfires of its strong and beating heart. me.

there is no one else. no one but me. and all the moments, the feelings, the dreams and the regrets. well, they come, they go, and they leave only smoke trails in my life. now. now is all there is. it’s me, it’s the power i never knew i held.

it’s my
starving
aching
roaring
soul.

it’s every perfect fragment of the smallest slice of time.

purge

it’s never enough just to think about it. i write it down, but it still won’t fall from my mind. it forages and flits, searching, secretly, for a piece of life. to ravage. to tear apart. to fill the emptiness and satisfy the mania that rages, day and night, for more. it’s never quite enough, but will forever feel like too much.

my pulsating heart can’t take it much longer. the thinking and the writing and the not-speaking-about-it fling between life and me… it’s getting old. like a well-wrinkled face. my life, flashing before my eyes.

tomorrow
is
today.

and i don’t remember past wednesday, or saturday. any day. ever.

so, what if i take a million photos, will it still soar by so fast? just stop. slow down, please. let me catch my breath.

.

time is passing, fast. i’m stuck in this moment, a constant battle between my head and my heart. i’m young, i have everything ahead of me: love, life, adventure, travel, sunsets in colours more vivid than i can dream, in countries more alive than i can imagine. in everything i read, everything i see, everything i hear. the world awaits.

my time is precious. and it’s passing, so fast. 

this weekend has been stimulating. the past hour in itself has been worth more to the food of my passion than the entirety of the last month. so i had conversations about travel and exotic places and how i just have to visit positano. for the good of my soul. and i had conversations about goals and life and love and what it means to be a locust in the wind.

it’s time i take the leap. 

i talk about it too much. and the caution stays safely locked inside. there are too many moments where my head takes the lead. but what a fantastic opportunity; what a great stepping stone; what an amazing way to start; what a lucky break. 

well what about my heart? my dreams. the passion i feel so deeply inside. the passion that feasts and grows with every waking and every dreaming moment. how is it fair that i can so easily forget my heart?

what about that thing that gives my life meaning. that thing i live for.

my purpose.

my one true love.

what about the tryst, the romance, the undeniable magic of a life lived everyday in a moment just like the one when you finally realise what you’re meant to do.

i know it. without any doubt. and with every tingle in my spine and every tear of frustration, sadness and heartbreak; every painful, beautiful, honest memory. every feeling. with every word i write.

this is who i am, who i’ll always be.

i believe, more than anything, in fate. it’s what drives me, pulls me, throws my life to the wind. it’s not just about why, it’s about meant to be. i’m here, it’s now, and things are moving exactly how they should. there’s no more, there’s no less. it’s all about fate.

in mysterious ways.

she told me these things. and people ask: but now that you know, aren’t you looking for that? well, yes. i am. unfortunately, but fortunately.

i told my friend alex today. (alex, who is always there to listen to my struggles. who offers fabulous advice. and always barracks for the underdog.) i told her that i recognised it because i knew it. it was fate all along. fate that i’d see her and be told what i was told. it was fate, because maybe i needed something to push me into it. to make me see it. open my eyes to an opportunity that might not have been anything at all, if i didn’t know it first.

it’s interesting to think about, nonetheless. 

so yes, now i look for all those things. those things the psychic told me. be as cynical as you want. but it’s already falling into place. or placing itself somehow, surrounding my life in moments made too perfectly to be just a coincidence. it was always meant to be this way. 

here comes the sun.

writing doesn’t sit at the top of my priority list right now. it’s becoming something distant. a memory or a dream of something i always long to do…but just never have time.

what a stupid excuse.

life is getting away from me. there are a hundred things i want to do and want to make time to do. i need to get my head in the game. pick up my act. start living and forgetting about the things i should be doing. just do what i feel, live in the moment and forget about the consequences. throw caution to the wind. remember it’s now or never. one chance, one shot, one life.

what do i want?