(another) six sleeps

it’s hard writing when i don’t know what to write about. where to start. i have so much on my mind, and i can’t write. what do i even get from pouring my life into words on a screen? tapping a keyboard, rhythm, beating through my fingers? 

and what do i feel?

excited, nervous, anxious, paranoid, numb. thirsty. hmmm nonchalant. conflicting, opposing, hypocritical feelings. about myself, my adventure, people, life. 

six sleeps until i leave. to a place i desperately want to get to know. the closer it gets, the more i think. over the past couple of weeks, so much has happened. life became fun again. hectic, but fun. and i think about that, and i think about leaving – as i have been for a while now – i think about losing and missing and regretting something i didn’t even know i would. i miss my life already. 

but, you know, i think it’s about to get even more peachy.

and

i leave in a month. one month. one, tiny month. and, i return in four…

it’s a beautiful day at victor today. wispy clouds float in light blue, white where the sea, dark blue, meets, the sky. 

it makes me think of leaving. but, this place, i leave, too. my home. the last i have left. it’s been 3 years since i’ve had a proper home. a place i lived and made my own for longer than three months at a time. when i come back here, i feel it. that thing i lost, i find again. i’m gleeful. waking, at night, smiling to myself and falling, easily, back to dream. rested, peaceful, i wake to light. light that fills the air. i smile, stretch, feel love. i love, i’m here.

today, i leave again.

and in one month, i’ll leave all familiarity. leave to a place i’ve never been. throw myself into the wind, and be scared, nervous, anxious. push myself, toward a life. of dark blue seas and light blue skies. adventures, excitement. fear. a place, a home, perhaps. but, for no longer than three months, again, this time.

dark blue, light blue, seas and skies. and life and feeling and love and light.

going, gone

i’ve spent my adult life leaving. i’m getting good at goodbyes. found a good way to wriggle myself around the sad and find the happy. hold it in, pray for the best and let go. forget. even if just for a minute.

and i’m leaving again.

i’m going to maui.

a place i’ve never been before. but, a place i can’t wait to visit. for three months. no doubt it will change my life.

so, as i leave again, i’m throwing my life into the air and watching it as it falls, gracefully, onto a new cloud. 

this isn’t a goodbye. this is a welcome. i welcome new experiences, new ideals, a new way of living. i’m sure i’ll be tested. but i am wanting.

aloha.