nostalgia.

my chest just tightened when i thought about it.

my breath is leaving me anxious. i’m flooded with vivid memories of maui. that feeling i thought i’d filed subconsciously away just reemerged with a vengeance. i felt the air. the smell of the little hut i lived in…marijuana mixed with insect repellent and lavender.

the humidity and the burning sun and the sand stuck with sunscreen on my skin. the blandness of the water running over my mouth when i stood in that outdoor shower and washed the salt from my face. the sound of the creak in the gate, and the bang as it swung shut.

the heat of the nights.

the sprinklers on shopfronts that cooled me as i rode my bike down front street. the asphalt of the road on my toes as i stopped at stop signs. and dragging my thongs as i took off again. palm trees passing shadows over my body. the air-conditioning of grandma’s place. the big terracotta tiles under my feet in the kitchen, the darkness of the shower with the broken lights and heavy curtain. 

the shade of the banyan tree.

the coolness trapped between the mountains near the waterfalls near the winding roads. the dampness of the ground and the smell of wet dirt under bamboo plants so tall.

the feeling of my legs indented with marks from the swinging cane chair that hung from a palm tree, under the hut, next to the pool, at the place i called my home.

it hurts my chest to think about it.

and so i found it all over again.

maui has been so much. landing felt like returning home. i had missed this place and i could feel it in the runway when the plane glided to a stop. i was grounded, it was familiar, it is home away from home. or, home in itself.

perfect days of sunsets and full moons and driving on single-laned roads. of surf breaks and health food and diving into waves. salt water, sticky sand, ukuleles and shave ice stands. perfect days with long distance friends. that reggae on the radio again.

i would do anything to move back. live to just live. feel the world around me. 

this time spent travelling alone has been invaluable. i love myself and i love who i am. maui made it mean something again. reminded me of it all over. in every breath of island air.

so i’ll miss this place again. but i’ll see it in photographs and phone calls and friendships far away. it won’t be long before i’m home again.

apologies.

i started work last week. started something i’ve been wanting to start for a while, now. you know, starting something and seeing something happen. future plans. direction.

i day dream. a lot. i day dream about maui (hawaii in general, really). i am yearning to go back. travel. see and do all the things i didn’t while i was there. soak in those glorious rays of sun so warm, lay on the sand and watch the clouds float by.

it seems i forget to do things now. when i’m busy, i’m not myself. i hope that ends soon. i miss myself. hah. that’s ridiculous. what i mean is, well, i am trying to be someone i haven’t been in a long time…maybe even ever before. no, not trying to be, having to be. i’ve been thrust into a position, forced to conform and become a busy person.

now that life in maui, while only a day dream away, seems like a lifetime ago.

addicted to the shindig

i haven’t stopped in a while. i want to. for some time now, i’ve either been doing, planning, organising or discussing my life. and now, i’m coasting. coasting would be okay with me today if i was on the back of that tandem bicycle again, riding freely down the main street near my house in maui with tiana instructing: “pedal, pedal, pedal. aaaand coast” with lupe fiasco’s voice setting the day’s playlist in my head: kick push kick push kick push kick push and coast.

it’s a shame, island living doesn’t translate to adelaide. don’t get me wrong, i’m not looking for that anymore. no matter how much i yearn to be back there when i watch hawaii five-0 and remember that time and place. it wasn’t just maui either. it was who i was then. what i had to think about. the frame of mind i was in. the things awaiting my return. all those things seem to be lost. and it all surfaces when i see the scenery. and i remember. it’s physical, the feeling. it’s something i could do without.

the flow has changed. it feels like i’m drowning in rapids, in slow motion, drifting towards a waterfall. a big one. all i need is a raft, a paddle and a map so i can steer myself in the right direction. it’s overwhelming. i’m so lost. and i’m tired of talking about it. it will happen or it won’t. or it will happen soon or it will happen not so soon. for now, i’ll try my best to just stop thinking.

journey

i like travelling, i decided with confidence. i like the thrill of getting off a plane in a place i’ve never been and walking to the other side of the airport to find a gate for a connecting flight. i like the suspense of waiting in your seat for someone to walk up and say they’re sitting next to you. and i like even more the excitement when they close the doors and you’re left with two empty seats and a joy for the stretch you’ll soon be able to indulge in. what pleasure!

i left maui tuesday night. and with it i left some people i started to love. grandma, mum, daughter. Three generations of the same blood, yet all completely different people, all completely different when compared to me, too. i gave hugs and said see you sooner than you think, while choking a little on a tightness in my throat – one that took me by surprise. it wasn’t overwhelming, but a flutter of a feeling i didn’t think i’d have. one i thought excitement would mask.

sitting on the plane, on the way to baltimore, i feel a sense of accomplishment. yeah, that’s what i would call this feeling. accomplished satisfaction.

phoenix was nothing like i expected. actually, i didn’t have any expectations for it – being a city i was only passing through. but when i looked out my window before landing and saw clumps of crater like mountains, i was in awe. appearing as though they had been thrown upon the ground and carved into shape, the terrain took me in.

i sleep on and off. dream crazy things. my mind, abuzz.

ipod on shuffle, flying to kings of leon: arizona. amazing happenstance. this will be good.

….

i arrive. it’s more than i can manage. overwhelming. but, so much better than i could have ever imagined.

but, i’m feeling something…

for next time.

i’m thinking so much my eyes blur over. unable to see what i’m doing, i guess that i’m spelling words okay and writing what i want. shake out of it. i’m having lengthy, vivid day dreams of the next few weeks and the amazing adventure that is about to ensue.

my list of things has been ticked off. my bag is nearly packed. my ‘to dos’ written in my notebook: washing, charging, writing. not a hard list to remember…but if i don’t write it down, i know i’ll easily forget.

i said goodbyes tonight. to girls i only just started to get to know. amazing girls with brilliant stories, edgy fashion and a huge amount of love in their hippie hearts. no doubt, i’ll feel something when i leave.

today was one of those days, the ones i think only about the time and space and heat i feel, no worries, no thoughts, just unadulterated living. pure to itself, myself, i lived simply today. no overanalysing, no smelling the air, no thinking about thinking. just living and feeling free. carefree. so it was a little sad, saying goodbye, but there is something in the air, stopping me from feeling too sad or sorry.

it’s positivity. it’s knowing i am heading in an amazing direction. it’s anticipation for the future. it’s the expected exhilaration from events to come. no high hopes or wishes, but an ingrained knowledge that this will be brilliant. 

i’m on the home stretch. i’ve finished this leg. i am content with what i have done/seen/experienced/loved/hated/lived. and i am ready to get on with it. start something new. now, in a few weeks, in a couple of months. it’s all happening. i like the pace, i like the sway, i like the direction. 

loving where i’m at, where i’m going, what i’m doing, i day dream and i take a breath and i feel whole and excited and proud all at once. my little adventure, taking on a life of its own. moving me and changing me and enticing me to fall in love with living.

i love what i feel. but, even more than that, i love what i know i’ll feel. soon enough.

bucket list

i leave next week. it hit me this morning. when i woke up, stepped outside and smelled the freshness of autumn coming to a close (don’t think cold, think island). perfect.

outside, the sun looks warm. it’s only early, so i’ll wait a bit to bask in its burn. until then, i’ll pull together all my loose ends and bundle them as best i can. there is so much i still need to do, and of course i leave it to the last minute – that’s just me. 

so as i scurry to finish up my time here, instead of ticking off my list of things to do, i think. i think about these past two months (or so). how they don’t feel like that at all. days began to blur together. same tasks, same routine, same excitement. don’t get me wrong, it has been a crazy adventure that has tested me in more ways that one, good and bad. but i don’t feel like it has been two months. 

the first two days felt like two years. i was so unsure. so out of my comfort zone. after i relaxed a little, time flew by. and now, here we are. time flew by. time escaped me. that seems to be happening a lot. time flying by.

the sprinklers come on, shooting in all directions, making erratic patterns on my wall of sun and shadows. they remind me of routine. every morning. 8:40am. routine is bearable when you live on an island.