you’re just too far away.
the distance leaves salty stains across my heart.
and the closer it comes,
the further it feels.
it should only be happiness, with all that awaits us.
but i miss you more deeply than i ever have before.
the nights are hardest.
they beat me down in the sweetest dreaming, your face our stories our unreal life played out in my sleep. they haunt me with waking in deep breaths and gasps, slowly coming to. if only it were really you.
the days are hard too, though. the silent murderess, thinking sunlight will blind me from my loneliness, thinking work and busyness will keep my mind at rest.
morning and noon and night you’re on my mind you’re on my heart your burning through my soul, on fire. and the heat takes me [forever] over, and our memories devour me whole.
i keep waiting, i’d wait forever, the stars watching on in blinking steadiness. they wait too.
we all wait together.
we wait for you.
until we’re dreaming side by side or daydreaming in the sunlight. and into day and into night and on and on and on we go, floating into our very near, very pretty, very together kinda forever.
i feel you from here. i feel you in my thoughts and dreams. i feel you in the quiet and the steady and the gentleness of my loneliness.
and then i feel you fast and strong, in the whirlwind of my days and the noisy, rustling wind that stirs outside my window and the ticking in the ceiling that has no cause or source. i know you think and dream and feel me too. but life is just so much sweeter when i’m with you.
so come back to me and bring my heart, bring yours too. come back to me darling, come home soon. no more airport goodbyes, no more last nights or mornings or meals or drives. just this next time to last us forever. yeah, that’d be just fine.
i feel my heart beat hard as it vibrates against my skin, stomach, throat and chest
echoing through my rib cage.
i swallow shallow breaths.
there’s no sleep in sight for me tonight as i start to count the minutes and seconds
until the moment we’re right there
where nothing else matters
where we start to melt away
into life and gold, sunlight and salt water.
where we’re you and me together again no distance no time zones no end.
this is my wildest adventure yet, the one that’s come to life the best.
in all the time spent wandering this earth we’ve always shared, i’ve never known a greater journey
than this, travelling the veins of your love.
it’s all i want,
to be your breath,
to be the beating of your heart,
to find more of me in you
than i ever knew
there ever was.
life in all its magic and wonder
you in all of you,
just as you are.
[photo via nasa]
i think of you, watching that blood red moon, holding in it all the sunrises and sunsets of all this world in one.
i stare at my moon tonight and imagine,
for a moment,
you are staring too, and just like that i catch your thoughts with mine.
i miss you. the days are just so different from so far away. i’m scared the smell of you and our summer will fade the more i wash my hands my skin my clothes. so i avoid all the feeling that comes from all the knowing of that space between,
you see, i need you.
i need you in a way that makes my heart ache and ache.
i do know
all the world that lives in me,
in that moon
it lives in you too.
it breathes your breath into my lungs, i taste your sweetest thoughts, i feel your blood run through my heart.
it beats in a rhythm that could never tell us apart.
it beats in a rhythm of love and love and love.
a new month.
i’ve been so long, here with you,
not nearly long enough.
and i think about the time we spent
where it all went
what we did and how we stayed so still
in the quiet moments.
the moments our hearts spoke only what we meant.
we couldn’t buy this kind of love. we couldn’t even dream it. yet here we are, bathing in river mist and mountain peaks and rainforests shrouding us in the greenest most deliberate decorated mossiness.
you put your toes in any water and feel the cold or surprising warmth. and it makes me smile when you jump in
seeing you come out all wet
pricking water droplets
sending them rolling off your skin.
is it the rain or the river?
it doesn’t seem to change, no matter how much i push or pull time just scurries right away from all this is. no matter how much we want it to stop still and rest for a bit. no matter how much it suffocates and liberates and drowns and frees all the outrageous realities we’re slowly, beautifully sinking in between.
we bury our toes and open our hearts and let it all unfold in a beautiful picture of all that has passed
of all that’s yet to come.
life happens so fast.
but who am i to know the difference? who am i to call the spade by its real name and forget all those things that came before and stole my thoughts away. nothing existed before this. i checked out i floated and i grasped only onto the littlest breath to save me as i fell victim to wanting and waiting. as i became the pining that became the all of me.
and that time seems misspent. it became the in between i constantly seem caught in. and sure the cycle may end and sure the pieces may fall, but i know more than all of that and i wasted time and i lost track. i wasn’t me, not in entirety. my body walked and stumbled through the life in front of me, while my mind and my heart and my soul had stayed behind.
but i found it all again when i stepped off the plane and into washington air and saw the white of his smile through the glare of his car’s front windscreen, traffic backed up, i waited for him to find a stop, for that first touch, after so long away. and in one moment, into me flooded all that mind and heart and soul that i thought i’d lost in all the chaos. in this other life i became whole, in that moment, as he held me and we swayed and it felt just like yesterday and not eighty days between each kiss.
never has time played so elusively. never have i felt more out of control. never have i felt like i needed something, not like this. when i left i left it here, all my greatest parts are his.
we took to the skies and collided, in the universe of our thoughts, exploding into stardust and all the bits and pieces of hope and love and forever.