what am i even waiting for? divinity? desperation? time? what’s the use in having this fire burning so wildly through my heart if i don’t feel it and feed it?
the air flows through easy breath through unknowing lungs. it’s all right there.
what’s the use in feeling all the beauty in being so close to something unlike me or you and this world we’re told to know.
it’s magic, i get it. and it’s swimming in my bloodstream ready to be poured in ink and words stories and prose.
slowly but surely
and fast burning
feeding the fire, walking into the light.
this is mine.
i’ve started carving indents in a life of longing and searching. i’ve started finding myself filling in and travelling through a channel, in a place to drown and love. to find in the darkness. to know in the daytime as the sun shines and i discover more about myself in the quiet and unknowing. in the moments of confusion and fear. in the tremors of the earth as i press my ear against the dirt. i hear my pulse throb.
i stand and watch the walls of the gorge rise and fall in breaths of living and belonging. and for the first time in the longest time my heart cries as i smile a gentle smile and remember why i’m here.
this. this is all and everything it’s about. in streams of light on emerald leaves glowing gold. in the smell of pine and the stickiness of sap on my fingers that sticks as i grab hold of a big, barky tree and haul myself up a rock and dry-leaf covered ravine.
i am so small standing by waterfalls so big.
and suddenly i realise. we are and have always been all the atoms of ourselves. we are ecstatic pieces of memories and stories and definitiveness. we are everything we’ll never know and everything we always wanted to be. we are, i am. this is all there is and all we need.
[photo: lost lake, oregon]
i dive into the lake. a snow-capped mount hood stands majestically, she doesn’t even notice me here. underwater now, i’m taken by surprise as i open my mouth and taste clean, bland, fresh water. you’re not by the ocean anymore! it shouts all over my tastebuds. it’s cold and goosebumps send chills through my blood, beating warm just minutes before.
this doesn’t look real, i tell her later, it’s as if i’m dead and dreaming. it’s as if this all rose up from my imagination, creating a scene from scenes unseen and seen before. but, really, it’s incredible.
i’ve never known anything like it. and everyday challenges that, and everyday i say the same. everyday i feel the difference. i wonder if that would ever end.
we leave and take the old, snaking road back to the valley. i sit in the doorframe of the car as it winds through tall trees, so dense, that smell like the earth, open air and christmas. the wind hits me hard in my smiling face and dries my gums. i laugh and breathe so deeply. oh, this is living. yep, this is living well.
in between now and then, i’ll live a little life. i’ll live a life of hellos, goodbyes. of planes and trains.
i’ll live a life in google maps and questions on directions. a fear of buses, subways, trams. people and crowds, how i’ll carry my bags.
[i’ll wish i had a backpack, i’ll wish i had a suitcase.]
i’ll live a life of missing home. missing the comfort. missing things that happen when i’m gone – because that world keeps spinning too, it doesn’t stop for me – but knowing there’s a point to all the chaos and emotion. i’ll live a life of budgets. happy hour and cheap eats. drinking espressos, dirty hair and shoes in the shower. finding so much kindness in strangers, travellers. wanting so much to give it all back.
i’ll live a life of no complaints. new friends, old friends, reuniting and leaving again. wondering where it is i’ll finally stop. end. find content. build a life. or is this just it, all the bricks and mortar?
i’ll live a life of pinching myself. because none of this feels real. because i could have only ever dreamed it. but now i’m here, i’m there, i’m going everywhere.
and nothing can stop me!
and life is so wonderful!
and i can’t even tell you how but my soul beams light energy and my heart fills with love at the thought of everyone, everything, every precious moment still to come!
so i’ll live a life of living. a life of finding a place of doing, a place that feels oh so bloody right. a place made of dreaming and loving and everything else that’s nice.
the only way i’ll ever live.
let’s count the stars tonight,
you and me.
i wriggle my toes into the sand. into the earth. into this island.
i stare at the ocean. the waves. their energy, continuity, fluidity. this magical place, bringing me home. talking me into living. speaking to my heart.
i hear all its wonderful sounds – the curl of the waves into wet sand, the silence that follows. the flittering leaves of the palm trees nearby, the wind against my ear as i turn my head so slightly.
i scratch at day-old mosquito bites.
i watch a surfer emerge safely onto shore, make the sign of the cross and look to the sky.
i take a photo for a couple, two beautiful men from england. they thank me for what appears to be the most generous offer they’ve ever received. no worries, i say, surprised at their graciousness.
i watch it all float by.
sunsets on the north shore of oahu, hawaii.
living, living, living.