cut from the same cloth, us two. i’ll miss him when he leaves – for that enormous world of unending possibilities. but life doesn’t change when you’re on the same path – here or there. anywhere.
hearts and momentum, of time as it should be. moving with us, with our step, with the pace of our souls. we’re all intertwined by fate. that invisible red thread, tugging at our heartbeat, our wrists and ankles – tying us to each other, our neighbours and our friends, and strangers down the street. it’s a never ending race track of dreams one step ahead.
you’re certainly catching yours, my friend.
i’m sitting alone, at a place i’ve never been. the absolute point of adventure sundays. and all i want to do is write.
a bird calls nearby.
there’s a sense of freedom about it. an undeniable feeling of being completely aware of everything around me. like it’s pulling me into a different frame of mind. something i didn’t know i wanted or felt or even knew i could feel until now. until this moment.
my tummy is queasy and the skin on my bare legs tingles with the burn of the sun. cooled by the wind, for a second at least. my eyes are sore and i’m horrendously tired but it’s still just me, alone. in a place i’ve never been.
thinking about everything. and thinking about nothing.
this world is so familiar.
everything feels frantic. i’m anxious and on edge. it feels like it’s all getting away from me. like life is moving too fast. and it’s taking my precious time with it.
i feel out of control. out of my body, at times. i feel disconnected and everything seems vague and dreamlike. it’s unnerving.
i like to be in control. it’s testing to not be. and it’s taking it’s toll.
oh give me something tangible to take into my dreams. something to hold onto in the darkness. make my life miserably brilliant. depressingly perfect. enviable to myself. bring me my wishes and princes on white horses. rainbows with treasure chests and fairy dust at my bedside. let me wake to beautiful memories of dreams too painfully vivid. everlasting love and til death do we part. those kisses that will bring you back to life.
let me live it and remember it forever.
and these moments now, of uncontrollableness, well let them be a part of it all. the bigger picture of life and other things. the contrast of the serene beauty and the painstaking reality of a passionate life. the ghost of regret that lingers too long, no matter your denial.
i’ll live in the moment. there’s nothing but now. i’ll remember that the next time i listen to you speak, and nothing sinks in. i’ll be present. stay here. listen. take it all in. i won’t be absent, i’ll be involved.
cross my heart.
all i want to do is write about love. write the movie of my life. live until i can’t breathe because i can’t stop telling you about all the amazing little things that happened to me, today. until i’m blue in the face.
i want you to tell me i’m kicking ass, breaking records, living way beyond your expectations of me. and you love it. and you love me. and you can’t imagine life without loving me forever.
you – my imagination, the unconscious reassurance that i don’t actually need, but crave for, unbelievably so – the affirmation and the recognition and the appreciation of a life lived oh so well, it hurts. it hurts so much.
let my heart ache; my eyes throb; my ears ring; my mouth water; my nostrils burn; and my fingertips swell. with tiredness. pure exhaustion. life lived to the absolute extreme. giving so much. expecting nothing but love. because, really, that’s all there is. that’s all there should be.
all i want to do is write about the loves of my life. the moments that leave my eyes stinging and my skin tingling and my mouth widening with a smile and a thought of who can i tell, right now in this moment?
who will appreciate the most insignificant, the most irrelevant, the most ridiculous story? the story that i desperately want to share.
magical. serene. all encompassing, overwhelming and uncontrollable.
i want to write about love, for as long as i live.
he kissed me in the middle of the street. on a still night, no wind, no noise. the smell of humidity, and rain on the road. the heat crawling up my legs.
he tasted like summer.
summer of lazy days that turn into night, so beautifully slow. dusk hanging on to day, so long. salty hair and sandy toes. breathless, completely taken [and happy to be] by the sun and the sea.
the heat makes my mind clear. i don’t think about tomorrow or what i have to do. it’s complete and euphoric silence in my mind. on days like these. summer and heat and sweaty legs on leather seats. windows trying their hardest.
the moment takes over my mind. not my thoughts. not the energy in my lungs or the feeling on my skin. it’s just an endless instant of nothingness. no future. no worries. just now. just this. just kisses in the middle of the street.
summer’s crawling into my life. pull me in whenever you like. i’m waiting for these moments, to blur my senses but sharpen my heart. to fall blindly into everything. i won’t let it be just about my mind. from now on, i’ll just do what feels right. no second thoughts. no weighing the options. i’ll just let it be and let live. que sera sera.
i believe, more than anything, in fate. it’s what drives me, pulls me, throws my life to the wind. it’s not just about why, it’s about meant to be. i’m here, it’s now, and things are moving exactly how they should. there’s no more, there’s no less. it’s all about fate.