mumma

today my mum turns 50. she won’t mind me telling you. she’s so excited to be 50. (i think it’s because she looks so good for her age).

it’s times like these i’m reminded how wonderful she is. those times you think about someone and feel, really feel, for the beauty they provide you with in your life. all the little things.

dad is a pretty funny guy. he gave mum a singing card for her birthday. “shout! put your hands up and shout! throw you hands up and shout! woooo. woooo! you’re fifty. it’s time to shout!” he loved that card. was so proud to give it to her. lying on the bed as she opened her gifts, throwing his arms and legs in the air as it sung to her, with mum’s pink slippers six sizes too small clinging onto his feet.

even today, mum made me porridge. it’s her birthday and she drove me to work. she’s so special. beautiful. considerate.

happy birthday mumma. may i be half the wonderful person you are when i am 50.

a place i’m in

i find myself struggling. i’m being pulled toward two different ideals and trying to live by both. it’s not easy. 

i want to be a strong, independent, new age woman. but, i also want to be looked after, led through a crowd, protected from harm. i’m stuck in a place between “power to the women” and “hi honey, how was your day?

you can see the dilemma.

you could say i have a slightly split personality. i don’t really know the type of person i am. and it changes from day to day. what i am facing now is this: am i strong enough to be all the people i want to be while still remaining true to myself?

over the past couple of years, i developed a very stubborn, headstrong, independent attitude. i learnt to stand my ground on all my beliefs and push the envelope on developed ideologies of today’s society, especially when it came to women’s rights and equality. along with that, i always held in the back of my heart my 10 year old self. the one who believed in love and fairy tales and happily ever after. i’ve always known i wanted a family and i’ve always known i wanted to be a great mother – if that means staying at home with my children and helping them grow up, i’ll happily do that. this totally flips my attitude on equality and puts me in a slightly hypocritical position. a position i don’t like, one i have started to resent.

i don’t like the mind frame i am in.

it’s been a while since i have thought about this and when i started thinking about it again, i realised i am battling with myself. and why? why should i have to make a choice on whether i want to be equality or family driven?

well, i shouldn’t have to. i am both.

i’ve always had this image representing love and comfort of a big brawny man protecting his tiny vulnerable wife or consoling her when she’s hurt or upset. i want a man to protect me, but i don’t want to be a vulnerable woman. i am a strong woman, already. i want to know i can defend myself, support myself, lift a heavy box or even change a tyre, all without the help of a man.

i refuse to be dependent on someone else. i refuse to be a pawn in a man’s life. i refuse to be disrespected.

i want love. i want a family. i want that image of a house with a white picket fence, two and a half kids and a golden retriever. i want to be a wife. but i want it all on equal terms.

that’s just who i am.

done.

it’s done. i’m a graduate. 

and now i can’t hide within my life of limbo. i have completely finished the one thing that was holding me back from the world. the one thing that was my excuse for the sloth-like living i had adopted. the kind of living i used to protect myself from the world.

now comes life.

i’m scared. more scared than i have been in a long time. there are too many options. too many things i could do with my life and i can only really choose one. which one is the one i should take? where should i go? what is the right thing to do?

it’s hit me. no matter which path i choose, it is right. maybe the script has already been crafted. i am already part of the universe’s big plan and i will make the right decision. my life will work out. 

i’m still scared. but it will be okay. this should be exciting. i should be excited. 

i am excited.
am excited.
am excited.
am excited.
am excited.
am excited.
am excited.

i am.

there is something strange about where i am today.

i’ve finished one thing. yet to start another. i am in limbo. i am just wasting time – waiting for something big to happen, or maybe just something at all.

there are so many things i could do. i have so many options, opportunities. and while i wait, i have time to think, make plans, learn.

it’s a little bit exciting.