forever is waiting

and it occurred to me that if i was quiet for just a moment i would see it all appear.
i would see the black and white
and bright and dark and night and day
and you
and the gravity of your very clear blue dreaming eyes
that meet mine every morning.
it makes me burn and melt.
see, i keep hurdling over the signs and blessings and wonder. i know i’d find them all in the stillness and feel it fill me up. if only i stayed right here, to clear my mind of the clutter or the worry of wondering
about ever after.
i desperately want to read the last page of the book.
but
i care
so much
about the unfolding of this story. about the beginning, still. of course the end, too. sure.
but now is now,
it’s all we ever have.
stop, the roses smell beautiful from right here.

four days in one

 in the absolute knick of time, we made it onto the ferry to that island [where we feel heartbeats down streets and see love upon leaves falling from their trees]. i stood, a little sunburnt, in the unforgiving wind who made goosebumps on my skin, and walked around the deck, watching as the 9pm sun turned the sky lilac orange and cream, as far as i could see all the way to shadowing mountain peaks.

this weekend made me miss home, but feel home, and realise just how much everything in me is taking me by surprise lately. i never knew i could feel so much in a single minute. 

we were well and truly into fresh and clean air. i looked up. the night sky took my breath away and feebleness took over my sense of being alive and here and able and me. i’d forgotten how beautiful she was with no city lights to blind her.

the milky way lit our way as we walked to the beach and onto silky sands. we laid, side-by-side, wrapped in a blanket, and stared out across the eerily illuminated water. a green blinking light and a hub of orange so so far from us the only lights other than satellites and starlight. we watched them move or blink.

this night, i saw the most shooting stars i’ve ever seen, and one especially long and bright and deeply carved into the sky, one that put tears in my eyes and made me see how right this all, everything, is.

this night was all a part of the whole of it. this weekend was cramps in my stomach from laughing so hard. it was showering under a hose and his smile and playing like kids shooting hoops and getting dusty. it was dancing on the grass to no music at all and jumping into his arms in pure all-consuming bliss.

this was about me falling deeper in love. in a way i never saw coming like it did and it does, on wonderful days and ordinary days and days i don’t expect, as i spend time watching and observing and noticing every small and important detail of the way he moves and looks and is. and i’m building ladders and bridges and mountains of love to him for him because of him. and i’m learning everyday.

because it tells me so

this world gives me options. and i choose, path by path by path, to walk slow, run fast. find nothing. find everything. find time moving in a straight line as days slip by weeks slip by months, and so here i am. but, i know it curves, i know there are answers in the breeze that passes by me as i sit on a stool at a bench in the windowsill of this cafe by the water’s edge and write and think and breathe unsteadily. i’ve lost touch and i’m sleeping through my life with tired eyes and a weary mind.

i think i think too much.

the sun is setting. it’s the hottest part of the day so far. and the water ebbs and flows in front of my eyes as birds glide and people in cars pass by as mountains sit in silhouette on the horizon in the very distance, looking very much like a painting. and but for how it looks, i take nothing from it.

there’s jazz on the radio. i tap my toes. i drink green tea. this bench is too high and i scratch my wrists gently on the edge of my computer as i type. i would say it feels kinda nice [because that sounds kinda right] but it doesn’t. it’s uncomfortable, but i don’t move an inch.

i sit and sense the heat of this sunset on my arm and my face and the scratching of my wrists from all this nonsense writing and the beating of my heart and emptiness of my tummy.

and i try to feel.

until i burst

i’ve started carving indents in a life of longing and searching. i’ve started finding myself filling in and travelling through a channel, in a place to drown and love. to find in the darkness. to know in the daytime as the sun shines and i discover more about myself in the quiet and unknowing. in the moments of confusion and fear. in the tremors of the earth as i press my ear against the dirt. i hear my pulse throb.

i stand and watch the walls of the gorge rise and fall in breaths of living and belonging. and for the first time in the longest time my heart cries as i smile a gentle smile and remember why i’m here.

this. this is all and everything it’s about. in streams of light on emerald leaves glowing gold. in the smell of pine and the stickiness of sap on my fingers that sticks as i grab hold of a big, barky tree and haul myself up a rock and dry-leaf covered ravine.

i am so small standing by waterfalls so big.

and suddenly i realise. we are and have always been all the atoms of ourselves. we are ecstatic pieces of memories and stories and definitiveness. we are everything we’ll never know and everything we always wanted to be. we are, i am. this is all there is and all we need.

my strength, this world

i am a goddess. a warrior. a lion full of heart and courage. i’m stronger than i know and i know more than i think and my beliefs are only learned… living rests at my feet.

i am a child of the universe and i follow the trails of the shooting stars i wish upon, marching to the beat of my love, of its desires, of its drive and inspiration, of everything it calls to.

i’m a bird, i’m free, i’m full of dreams of the sky and untethered, unwavering, in its endlessness i fly,
with delightfulness and joy, i fly,
with the whispers of knowing and feeling filling my wings,
my feathers made entirely of guidance and of faith.

i’m an echo of questioning and wondering and curiosity. i am all the pieces of life’s perfect puzzle. i open my eyes and my heart and my mind to its lessons, hidden in the gloriousness of everyday.

i listen, i understand. i am inspired.
i fall in and i connect.

i’m full of the will to stand strong on this earth and trust in this earth, hear the secrets of this earth, give back to this earth.

i’m in love with this life, with the strength there waiting, in my body, heart and mind. i sing love to my happiness i sing praise and i honour this blessing. of opportunity, and acceptance and hopefulness.

i get it.

i am not a fraction of meaning, i am the reason and the world. everything fits within the expansive confines of my heart, within the endlessness of my love.

nothing more, nothing less

today was hard. today i felt, a lot.
good bad indifferent. i felt it all and i wallowed in it all.
good bad indifferent.
i wallowed
then i swallowed my stubbornness and sorriness and dragged myself to yoga. back on the mat, there was purpose. there was reason. i moved, without thinking of anything but moving, and the heat and the stretch and the pain falling from my bones. and for that time in the room, i wept through sweat as i found a pace, a flow a rhythm. and my thoughts drifted away, somewhere nearby but not too near to my mind. it cleared. there were no worries. i simply did not care. and there was no thinking too far ahead.
it all came back to the
here
and the
now
as i realised, completely and honestly, it’s all there is. it’s all we have. it’s all we’ll ever really have. and as time slides effortlessly away, we understand how precious and fragile this whole thing is. we don’t have forever.
fuck, we barely have today.
why, in my right mindfulness, would i ever dream of wasting time consumed by doubt or fear, worry or planning.
fuck! i have my life to live!
but we do it. constantly. we find the faults and flaws and horror in our average day to day existence. we don’t take advantage of the beauty and just being and the fragility, the impermanence.
but what a life this is. how could i ever complain? it’s not relative, it’s ridiculous.
i stop and i think and i take a look around. i feel it filling me.
in the ache of my legs from using them in all their capability, in all their strength. the music that plays. the hum of the heater and the warmth it brings. a man that isn’t afraid to love me from so far away. the comfort of this life in all its pure and wholesome blessedness. my ability to realise how ridiculous i’ve been. my will to make it all better.
we get down. we do it tough. we make it hard for ourselves. but at the end of it all, if there is joy, if there is love, what else can we want for?