last month’s moon

he woke me in the middle of the night with kisses and gentleness, i know you’re really tired but you need to see the moon tonight. it might be the most beautiful i’ve ever seen.

he dressed sleepy me in a sweater and comfy pants, took my hand and led me out into the cool summer midnight. i yawned my way across the tree covered lawn and pebbled driveway to the clearing at the path that took us to the beach.

we stood atop the hill in what seemed like daylight, our shadows clear against the ground. the moon was big and bright and shone its light like iridescence across the waves, the only noise that night.

the ocean looked like mercury [the moonlight shimmering] it moving so fluidly across itself.

we stayed, he held me and my sunburn shivers stilled, i felt his heart at my side as it beat into me and woke me to the innate love we share. this is why we breathe. and maybe this is why the moon rose that night.

for love

and only love.

heart and soul

i’m reading women who run with the wolves. it’s evoking a need to do a whole lot of looking inward. discovering who i am while travelling the curves of this lifetime of feeling and seeing and doing. the learning never stops. the love and soul-work never stops. every breath unravels new answers. it’s self-discovery it’s choosing to know. every minute we can make space for more awareness, joy, heart and soul. life is so precious.

dreamstate

i’ve been dreaming of far-away places. of travelling and exploring countries anew. i’ve been dreaming of adventure, of cities stuck in my subconscious just waiting to arrive at my real life.

my mind is taking me to dreamstates i forgot even existed. and with so much talk of meant-to-be and mother earth with her whispers of wind and sea and silence all at once, it’s hard to ignore.

just then. just then, i looked up to see a rainbow in the sky.

you can’t tell me she’s not helping to direct my course. you can’t tell me she’s not listening to all my wills and wants. so, wherever is next is where i’ll be. travelling the hypnotic motion of everything as it should be.

float

clouds above me
sea below me
i catch my breath on the ebbing of the tide.
love within me
earth surrounds me
the magic of this life settles deep within.

i don’t hear a thing but the beating of my heart,
racing to slow.

i float a while, my mind clears. [it’s never quite a while enough. so i hold these beautiful moments so near.]

the ocean hears my soul. the ocean heals my soul.

forevermore

i get to love you. no matter what. that’s my greatest adventure – loving you with all my heart. oh and how achingly beautiful it is, how deeply you love me back.

we’re reaching milestones. days together, years, now. days not spent apart. nights, too. and nearly 365 since we bound our hearts and lives officially [though it’s been so much longer in love].

and all the days ahead and all of them past aren’t even enough to hold and show the love i have to give to you. there just aren’t enough hours left in my life to let me love you in the deepest, warmest, loveliest ways i want.

and that’s all i’ll ever want to do. [forever just has to be long enough.]

our everlasting love lives across all the lifetimes we’ll spend loving and searching and loving again.

life and living

what am i even waiting for? divinity? desperation? time? what’s the use in having this fire burning so wildly through my heart if i don’t feel it and feed it?
the air flows through easy breath through unknowing lungs. it’s all right there.

what’s the use in feeling all the beauty in being so close to something unlike me or you and this world we’re told to know.

it’s magic, i get it. and it’s swimming in my bloodstream ready to be poured in ink and words stories and prose.
slowly but surely
and fast burning
and bright,
feeding the fire, walking into the light.

this is mine.

september

a new month.
i’ve been so long, here with you,
not nearly long enough.
and i think about the time we spent
where it all went
what we did and how we stayed so still
in the quiet moments.
the moments our hearts spoke only what we meant.
we couldn’t buy this kind of love. we couldn’t even dream it. yet here we are, bathing in river mist and mountain peaks and rainforests shrouding us in the greenest most deliberate decorated mossiness.

you put your toes in any water and feel the cold or surprising warmth. and it makes me smile when you jump in
seeing you come out all wet
with goosebumps
pricking water droplets
sending them rolling off your skin.
is it the rain or the river?

it doesn’t seem to change, no matter how much i push or pull time just scurries right away from all this is. no matter how much we want it to stop still and rest for a bit. no matter how much it suffocates and liberates and drowns and frees all the outrageous realities we’re slowly, beautifully sinking in between.

we bury our toes and open our hearts and let it all unfold in a beautiful picture of all that has passed
of all that’s yet to come.

life happens so fast.

forever is waiting

and it occurred to me that if i was quiet for just a moment i would see it all appear.
i would see the black and white
and bright and dark and night and day
and you
and the gravity of your very clear blue dreaming eyes
that meet mine every morning.
it makes me burn and melt.
see, i keep hurdling over the signs and blessings and wonder. i know i’d find them all in the stillness and feel it fill me up. if only i stayed right here, to clear my mind of the clutter or the worry of wondering
about ever after.
i desperately want to read the last page of the book.
but
i care
so much
about the unfolding of this story. about the beginning, still. of course the end, too. sure.
but now is now,
it’s all we ever have.
stop, the roses smell beautiful from right here.

four days in one

 in the absolute knick of time, we made it onto the ferry to that island [where we feel heartbeats down streets and see love upon leaves falling from their trees]. i stood, a little sunburnt, in the unforgiving wind who made goosebumps on my skin, and walked around the deck, watching as the 9pm sun turned the sky lilac orange and cream, as far as i could see all the way to shadowing mountain peaks.

this weekend made me miss home, but feel home, and realise just how much everything in me is taking me by surprise lately. i never knew i could feel so much in a single minute. 

we were well and truly into fresh and clean air. i looked up. the night sky took my breath away and feebleness took over my sense of being alive and here and able and me. i’d forgotten how beautiful she was with no city lights to blind her.

the milky way lit our way as we walked to the beach and onto silky sands. we laid, side-by-side, wrapped in a blanket, and stared out across the eerily illuminated water. a green blinking light and a hub of orange so so far from us the only lights other than satellites and starlight. we watched them move or blink.

this night, i saw the most shooting stars i’ve ever seen, and one especially long and bright and deeply carved into the sky, one that put tears in my eyes and made me see how right this all, everything, is.

this night was all a part of the whole of it. this weekend was cramps in my stomach from laughing so hard. it was showering under a hose and his smile and playing like kids shooting hoops and getting dusty. it was dancing on the grass to no music at all and jumping into his arms in pure all-consuming bliss.

this was about me falling deeper in love. in a way i never saw coming like it did and it does, on wonderful days and ordinary days and days i don’t expect, as i spend time watching and observing and noticing every small and important detail of the way he moves and looks and is. and i’m building ladders and bridges and mountains of love to him for him because of him. and i’m learning everyday.

because it tells me so

this world gives me options. and i choose, path by path by path, to walk slow, run fast. find nothing. find everything. find time moving in a straight line as days slip by weeks slip by months, and so here i am. but, i know it curves, i know there are answers in the breeze that passes by me as i sit on a stool at a bench in the windowsill of this cafe by the water’s edge and write and think and breathe unsteadily. i’ve lost touch and i’m sleeping through my life with tired eyes and a weary mind.

i think i think too much.

the sun is setting. it’s the hottest part of the day so far. and the water ebbs and flows in front of my eyes as birds glide and people in cars pass by as mountains sit in silhouette on the horizon in the very distance, looking very much like a painting. and but for how it looks, i take nothing from it.

there’s jazz on the radio. i tap my toes. i drink green tea. this bench is too high and i scratch my wrists gently on the edge of my computer as i type. i would say it feels kinda nice [because that sounds kinda right] but it doesn’t. it’s uncomfortable, but i don’t move an inch.

i sit and sense the heat of this sunset on my arm and my face and the scratching of my wrists from all this nonsense writing and the beating of my heart and emptiness of my tummy.

and i try to feel.