forever is waiting

and it occurred to me that if i was quiet for just a moment i would see it all appear.
i would see the black and white
and bright and dark and night and day
and you
and the gravity of your very clear blue dreaming eyes
that meet mine every morning.
it makes me burn and melt.
see, i keep hurdling over the signs and blessings and wonder. i know i’d find them all in the stillness and feel it fill me up. if only i stayed right here, to clear my mind of the clutter or the worry of wondering
about ever after.
i desperately want to read the last page of the book.
i care
so much
about the unfolding of this story. about the beginning, still. of course the end, too. sure.
but now is now,
it’s all we ever have.
stop, the roses smell beautiful from right here.

it’s the bullshit of it all.

you know that’s what you live for. the drama, the second guessing, the eventual regret that you tell yourself is actually just a lesson you’ll take with you and warn your children of, (but don’t deny, you know it’s regret in disguise).

we do it or we know the one who does it. it seeks you out, tracks you down and leaves a dirty mess of cringeworthy memories (that you literally try to shake from your body), and confusing thoughts of “what if…” that just drive you mad.

try harder. avoid. yeah, that works. or deal with it. simple.