softer and stronger

it’s okay to be vulnerable, he said.
a loving conviction that cut through bone and brick and beat into my heart in an instant of knowing and crumbling.
so i crumbled into his chest and made his skin all wet with the saltiness of undoing and the emptying of ego.
i breathed staccato breaths and buried my worry in blinks and swallows as he held me tight and pressed his kisses to my forehead.
it’ll all work out.
i know, i said.

under my pillow

i’m awake and it’s late and i’m thinking of him
and wonder if morning has warmed has stirred has roused him
i slide myself under the covers, alone in this big bed, i sigh.
it’s missing you.
the warmth of his body, the smell of his kiss his arms around me his hands, fingers tangled in mine or circling in my hair or tracing across my skin in loving good mornings between dream and awake. his lips on my forehead. our start to our day.
this big bed feels bigger than i remember
even just last night
and all the nights before
without him here.
somehow i’m swimming in sheets and pillows, somehow i’m searching for him in it all. somehow i allow myself to drown in this dream, thinking that maybe he might just appear. but still, i’m helplessly alone sucking in nothing but thick, hollowed air,
choking on
the emptiness
don’t make me breathe.
i hang onto the thought that i’ll be with him soon and what’s now just a dream will be our real life and goodbye won’t be a word we’ll ever know again and we won’t countdown the hours or days, there’ll be no until-next-time.
i’ll be seeing you everyday, instead.
missing you is hard.


suddenly he was inside the radius of her perfume and kissing her breathlessly.

– f. scott fitzgerald, first blood


did you know you spent the night with me last night? playfully running through the maze of my imagination. all my worries and fears vanished into the chaos of my love drunk mind. it melted, as our hands met and connected us, pulled us and changed us – more than we’ll ever know.

my excruciatingly pleasant dream. it was you and it was me and it was a kiss so nice.


i am a dreamer. 

but that wasn’t a dream. what it did to me, how it felt, that was real life.

but ethereal.

magical, wonderful, beautiful.


clarity. that’s what i need. my mind is just too full.