my pulse races with the thickness of these moments caught in time. it’s all too much. and everyday i think i might both burst and dissolve from the fright of feeling so much, from the heat of loving so hard and fast.
i found my place and i buried my roots so so deep in his heart.
it’s all so clear, so right in love and loving. the most beautiful thing i’ve ever known.
when i get bigga,
i can touch the staaars.
i can gwrab dem all.
she said. nodding her head in unwavering assuredness.
i’ve been looking, i’ve been wandering. i’ve been intertwining my life with as many similar soul searchers as fate allows.
she’s two and a half and she has all the answers.
the innocence. the possibility. an uninhibited, simple fire for an uninhibited, simple life. for joy. for amplifying happiness with books and songs, balloons, music and dancing. with stories from memories, from her imagination. feeding goldfish, blowing bubbles. singing and laughing and loving.
she’s a good kid. the best kid i know.
she will touch the stars, big or small, they twinkle and shine for her.
fear, anticipation, anxiety, excitement, dread, exhaustion, sadness, emptiness, complete and utter fulfilment, satisfaction.
the people i shared this year with made it all so worthwhile: the people i never expected to meet, never expected to feel so much for, people i never expected to be missing this soon. i’ve never known a life like this, it was only ever a dream. and it still feels just that way.
how can it have gone by so fast?
i’m balancing on a ridge between tears and disaster. i fear the fall, i fear the darkness [i can’t see below] i fear all the unknowingness of returning to a place i fought so desperately to leave. from a person i didn’t recognise, to become the me i am right now. the person i’ve been neglecting, trying to be something and someone i’m not. but this, this is me. and i owe it all to the unknown. to the places i find love, to the people i met.
the people the people the people.
those who made me think, made me question and develop my beliefs, nurture my own sense of self. those who undid me, who stripped away the nonsense and dug their way to the very core of who i am. those who came to know me by more than just my name and my hometown. those who watched me fall apart, who kept me close no matter how many times i tried to push them away. those who became the family i missed and longed for. those who took me in, walked through the flames beside me, ran towards the fear and fought me and my innate desire to shy away from the hurt and pain and aided in a sense of deliverance from all that ever held me back.
the people, those people, the love i have for you. the person i became because of you. the things that changed in spite of all the resistance to or simple unknowing of everything i truly needed.
i’m home i’m home i’m home.
you will fall in love with train rides, and sooner or later you will realise that nowhere seems like home anymore.
– shinji moon
i’ve been away
for 200 days. i’ve been gone, traveling, wandering, far from home. and i feel and sense and taste and realise the depth of all the wonderful ways i’ve grown.
i never knew a life like this, i had only ever dreamt it. but now i see how perfect living can be, crazy, spectacular moments made of
but it’s all about you, it has always been you
[the places, adventure and people i choose].
it’s always in
a life made from spontaneity and saying yes and all the rest of all the beautiful, meant-to-be mess and chaos and ideas so farfetched, that just seem to work out when we push and wade through all the doubt and the struggle and the want to live the life we do, the life we’ve always wanted to.
in the 200 days that i’ve been away, i’ve found myself, my everything. it’s everyone, it’s every mountain, ocean, city street and stream. my spiritual someplace, my heart’s passionate rhythmic beating,
my yearning for home
for everything in between.
oh these days of travelling, oh my soaring spirit, oh my soul so full and free. i’m living. i’m feeling. it’s searching and growing,
oh i am becoming exactly who i’ve always longed to be.
home hounds me in the constructs of feelings i forget even exist. home hides behind my day-to-day, behind the insignificance of the things i occupy myself with, behind things that mean so much just for what they mean. home finds me in the moments i want to disappear, and never lets me. it pulls me back to a hollowness i know exists without all the beautiful things that home represents. and i’m eternally reminded of the stifling nature that life as i knew it brought upon itself.
i caught a plane and flew faithfully on the whimsical winds of wanderlust. i left ready to find myself.
searching for something.
i ache to feel more than i know i can feel, to believe in the magic of the universe, to experience the unknown and discover comfort in moments of unease and doubt. to learn how to float when i fear i’ll drown. how to fight my way out of the space where i fatigue and fall, how to beat down barriers and push on into the light. and then there’s home, a place where nostalgia brews, a place i dream of in waves of sickness and despair. a place that will always be there. where all my loves wait so patiently for my return.
minute by minute my spirit softens and strengthens.
home will always hound me, a gentle reminder to live with kindness, grace and purpose. so i reassess from time to time and remember why i’m here. i’ve changed the focus, changed the reason. changed what i want from this. and i’m okay with that because things change and people change and relationships change and life changes every second of every day so i relax and accept what’s happening all around me at any given moment.
i run free
into a void i know nothing about. i fill it with love love love and memories born from purity and moments of
they live in a tent, on the side of the road. a mother of two and a bump for another, so nearly here. the father stood, with a shopping cart and tired eyes, outside the canvas they call their home.
she smiled so gratefully as we passed her some clothes and passed her son, maybe five, some toys.
‘thaaank you, verrry much!’ he said with the melodic bubbling of a child’s happiness. a grin spread so wide across his little face.
she sat in their home and fed her youngest, he stood shakily and watched on with bright eyes. i smiled at him and he smiled back, toothless, joyful.
rain began to gently fall.
the family of nearly five, in a tent for a home on the side of the road. a footpath for a mattress and a zip for their front door.
give me two minutes?
that’s all, i ask. two minutes to tell you everything i can!
it’s nothing like i could have imagined. it’s better, times a trillion.
there’s something to be said, for exploring with your best friend – in a city you’ve never known, but one that feels like home.
i can’t explain just what i think, but i hope you understand. it’s london and the sun is shining and it feels so much like home.