i listen to your voice,
it plays soft,
from the video you sent
i fidget and i write and i dream of you before dreaming of you.
do you think a heart has ever burst
from loving so hard?
let’s just wait
he plays music from the other room.
and i sit here, with this new and delicious feeling sipping too-sweet red wine from a mug with a chip, it tickles my lip.
i’m so full of love and dreaming.
my toes are cold, the days are crisp, but my life is just starting. [there are pink blossoms on the cherry blossom trees that line these familiar streets] and it’s starting fresh with spring. and all the words of all the stories i’d ever wanted to tell just rest and bathe in that thick blood-red too-sweet wine on the very tip of my tongue.
there’s a fire in me
there’s a fire of red and golden flames.
they lick at my words
and mock my memory
my memory that tries
to burn as bright.
don’t take that away.
maybe you did put all those stars in the sky.
inspired, once more. i find myself in coffee shops, reading, dozing, eating, watching gold and red and brown leaves fall from trees, all around. i find myself allowing myself to feel, allowing it all to become a very permanent and very important piece of the puzzle of my very audacious life. i find myself kissing and thinking and writing and becoming lost in a world that feels like a dream and feels like real life and feels like everything else that falls in between.
there’s a movement and a shifting of emotion and of being. there’s a certain sense of living that i’ve never felt before. there’s a difference in the way i look and feel and ask questions. i’m curious, i want more. i want forever and a day bottled in glass jars for whenever i feel time slipping away. i want the density and intensity of this humble life to overcome my fears and pleasures and take its toll on the earth i tread so lightly and so surely across. i walk my path, i walk it with graciousness. with pride. with confidence. i walk my path, i run, i stop. regardless of the pace, it’s along this path i find the treasures of a life lived on the edge of the ultimate expression of all i find so painful and raw. of all i find so wonderful. of all i find.
life starts with good mornings like this morning’s. life starts with a heart, beating out of control, and rare feelings coursing up and down your spine. life begins, life ends, life grows and continues in particles of perplexing perfection. in moments that stand out, moments that change us, moments you recognise as deep and as true.
why can’t your heart ache like mine?
why can’t my ache be your ache and, combine,
to become a wonderful mirage of ecstasy –
if only for a while, if not only in our dreams.
i allow myself to sit and wonder – if my dreams are like your dreams, or if they ever come close.
or if or if or if…
i’ll fall asleep tonight, excited nonetheless.
because as hard as waking is,
at least i can love a little while in that muddled, beautiful mess
as the ecstasy leads the agony and it all rolls into one.
passionate, fiery, overflowing, soul wrenching, mind melting, all-consuming.
that’s the only way it should ever be.
be mine, oh valentine.
so much more about this doesn’t event exist yet. it’s like a floating moment, that confusion in your memory between a dream and real life. it’s taking time to find it out, falling over each sound and feeling and other. a desperate attempt to realise the time and the energy and pace of it all. the undeniable brilliance of all those little things.
remembering the breath, but finding it so easily. steadying the rhythm. the beat of it. then letting it go, one piece at a time.