full of aching and yearning,
it’s weighing me down.
my heart hurts because it’s full, because i love. but somehow, tonight, i can’t bring that thought around
to all its truth and depth and loveliness.
it just keeps hurting and i don’t know how to shift it or shake it or change it, it hurts because it’s heavy because i love because i miss him.
tonight, i’m just a little more scared than usual to sleep, to dream alone.
and i feel like myself, a little more a little more. as each minute passes. as light fades to turn the sky to the darkest blue and black.
i’ve been waiting all day to escape to the coma of a dream-filled night
as the sun and the warmth have done nothing but mock the numb and the burnt and the broken.
i feel like myself a little more and more than that.
but that’s all.
it was the hardest thing to do, pretending i was okay when i said goodbye to you.
what about when you’re dirty and angry and hard? what about when you close yourself to beauty and sunlight? what about all those times you lie in bed alone with covers over your head screaming so silently just wishing someone would hear those painful whispers, just imagining the day when you’d wake and forget this life and forget this time and forget how it felt to have a heart that was in so many pieces you would never know how to start putting it back together.
and then, breath by breath, one by one, the shards and particles and porcelain chips would start to find their way back into the shape it once was. except for missing bits and pieces, here and there. and in those shallow hollows, memories would come flooding in, like plaster, to fill the holes and make it whole with stories you’ll try the rest of your life to keep so close, to hide.
but remember, these are the things that make you. that are you. these are the things that lead you to the moment or the person and the life that colours it all in glitter gold, and just like that, with all the powdery notion of you, this stardust being, you’ll be born again, forever again, and you’ll start living like none of it mattered, but you’ll realise it all always did and will, and this, this is what you can be grateful for.
scared and living the most on-the-wire life you could have ever imagined.
because the fear feels so real when you’re alone inside yourself.
but this is you. be thankful. stay and watch it all unfurl in beautiful moments of imperfection, bad timing and mistakes made of mayhem. it’s all as it should be.
then be brave.
you have a heart made of the pieces of all your time past, and now it’s twice as strong.
and last night we all slept in one big bed and pearl was tossing and turning and her feet and legs were all over the place and i couldn’t help but laugh aloud, and i did, and so did she and so did leah and then i went silent as tears took over laughter and i wept.
i cried in a way i’ve never cried before. i cried for how much i miss her, even as she sleeps right next to me. i cried for the amount of love i have for her. i cried for all the things i won’t be around for once i say goodbye again. i don’t want her to leave, i don’t want them to leave. i love them, so much. i miss my family. more than ever. the homesickness feels physical, emotional. i had it figured out, it was buried deep in my aching heart, but having them here has shifted all that has been hiding it from plain sight and daylight. it’s not a 3am feeling anymore, it’s 24 hours of every heat-filled day. and the heat seems only to be building in each hour and minute i’m away.
i love this life, the uncertainty of my future, flying by the seat of my pants, chasing dreams and summer, the unknowingness. but i miss my biggest loves,
more than i knew,
more than i can say,
more than my quiet heart knows how to feel.
i can’t tell you how grateful i am for you to be here.
it’s nothing, she said.
it’s everything, i said right back.
my heart breaks as i think about them leaving. i don’t know if i’m ready to miss them all over again.
and a song starts playing on the drier because the clothes are clean and dry and its happy tune mocks my gloomy mood
it smells like rain outside.
my mind is too fucking full, my heart is too fucking full. there is too much of me that wants too much of you. and i’ll never know it if all i can tell you is it smells like rain outside.
how was your day, how was your pb and j, how was anything and everything – tell me your fucking life story.
he taught me that word, when it was only words. when we existed between the letters of the alphabet, sentences of this and that and not much else. when we existed between dreams and waking, all the time and space that separated us.
i miss you.
i miss you too.
i can’t wait to see you.
not long now.
when will you arrive.
never soon enough.
this isn’t just about me, you’re the same, we’re all the same. there’s chaos in everything, chaos and complexity. we’re all connected, all pulling at that same invisible thread. only to find a reason in everything and no reason for anything. because it exists deeper in our hearts than we could ever reach. it exists beyond the universe, so much further than we could ever find. it exists a million hours away and in this very second.
the make up of all our sorrows and happiness. our wonders and revelations. of our togetherness. all ours and theirs and yours and mine.
so i could spend the rest of my life just missing you. but i won’t. because maybe this means more than that; that you know it too; that it’s all just one perfect moment of in between; that this feels like our very own in between and we’re the only ones in this singular, looping, perfect dream of ever-land.
we’re all going somewhere, we’re all feeling something, we’re all connected. so double knot my thread with yours and let my complexity become your simplicity and revel in the notion that nothing and everything is why it is what it is.
you remind me of a boy who broke my heart.
why can’t your heart ache like mine?
why can’t my ache be your ache and, combine,
to become a wonderful mirage of ecstasy –
if only for a while, if not only in our dreams.
i allow myself to sit and wonder – if my dreams are like your dreams, or if they ever come close.
or if or if or if…
i’ll fall asleep tonight, excited nonetheless.
because as hard as waking is,
at least i can love a little while in that muddled, beautiful mess
as the ecstasy leads the agony and it all rolls into one.