i flung open all the doors and windows and let the wind rush through the house. our little home we’ve filled with us. i hear traffic, i hear the trees, i hear the sprinkler as water droplets land with gentle splatters on our concrete driveway. i feel the warmth. my skin is so slightly sun kissed, my hair salted and wild. i’m happy.
we’ve been swimming in the ocean morning and night, filling our hearts with the sea and the pleasure she brings. running into the waves with my love, playing with him and watching as his eyes turn the colour of the sea. the very act of diving in, opening my eyes to the underwater, being swayed on the tide – it makes me feel more alive, more connected. more creative and beautiful, meant-to-be and joyful and free.
swimming in the sea seems to me forever a way to draw closer to everything i am and want to be.
i’m reading women who run with the wolves. it’s evoking a need to do a whole lot of looking inward. discovering who i am while travelling the curves of this lifetime of feeling and seeing and doing. the learning never stops. the love and soul-work never stops. every breath unravels new answers. it’s self-discovery it’s choosing to know. every minute we can make space for more awareness, joy, heart and soul. life is so precious.
i can still smell you on my sheets
you’re so close but so far
i feel you in my heart
i feel you in my heart.
the sky is telling me stories. with its golden-hued clouds and glowing setting sun, the darkening and the lightening as time moves constant and along.
things are falling into chanced and beautiful placing. things are coming and going both rapid and slow and i find myself in the middle of it watching it float by in this mysterious happenstance. the difference is
now i see it.
as a ray of sunshine lit a too-near horizon – in all the places you’d never expect it – and i looked up and it caught my eye and i thought of something poignant and right just at that time, it put chills up my spine and goosebumps on my skin.
so many things needed to happen for me to find you.
it’s not crazy, it’s perfect.
like the sky and its stories and the winding trails to understanding the enigmatic electricity that pulses through our veins.
i feel alone / i know you’re there.
the contrast is blinding and beautiful.
i’m not lonely because you’re there, loving me.
and i love you.
i see you in the stories in the extraordinary, shielding sky we share our days and sleep beneath
and dream beneath
and miss one another
the one thing that will bring you back to me.
stories flooding and raining and coursing on the wind
as you fly home.
let go of your mind so you can fall into your heart.
i know i get in my own way, the thoughts the wondering, the logic, the panic.
short of breath i tell myself the hardest is to come. i give into the sadness the loneliness the doubting i might ever make it out. i lose the moment in the thinking. i lose the moment, i lose myself, i lose the reason behind my always moving forward, searching within.
it’s the moment that matters most of all.
we have so few.
this life is so short.
so there should be no more rehashing or rehearsing he told us tonight as i felt the earth beneath my feet and lifted my chest to the sky to let my heart shed shining, blinding light.
my big and bold and grateful heart, a heart of joy, led by love, led by now.
a heart who knows how to feel, who knows where to guide me, who teaches gentleness and courage, faith and hopefulness.
a heart who is here. its life force always home as it beats in this metronome of constant, steadiness, sameness and calm.
without thinking, follow feeling, follow truth, follow kindness. without thinking, be here now. let the shining, blinding light of your big and bold and knowing heart lead the way, head held high face beaming eyes glittering thoughts still and calm and easy and now.
a new month.
i’ve been so long, here with you,
not nearly long enough.
and i think about the time we spent
where it all went
what we did and how we stayed so still
in the quiet moments.
the moments our hearts spoke only what we meant.
we couldn’t buy this kind of love. we couldn’t even dream it. yet here we are, bathing in river mist and mountain peaks and rainforests shrouding us in the greenest most deliberate decorated mossiness.
you put your toes in any water and feel the cold or surprising warmth. and it makes me smile when you jump in
seeing you come out all wet
pricking water droplets
sending them rolling off your skin.
is it the rain or the river?
it doesn’t seem to change, no matter how much i push or pull time just scurries right away from all this is. no matter how much we want it to stop still and rest for a bit. no matter how much it suffocates and liberates and drowns and frees all the outrageous realities we’re slowly, beautifully sinking in between.
we bury our toes and open our hearts and let it all unfold in a beautiful picture of all that has passed
of all that’s yet to come.
life happens so fast.
but what if it’s all i wanted but it never came true? would you really tell me all my wishing was for nothing? that the well was not as endless as i hoped, and water would never quite fill the pail that i pulled with all my heart for all my heart? would you tell me of my wasted hours staring at the galaxy between the everything else we choose, or could or not know? would you tell me of the easy living it would be if i never asked why or never said yes or never thought to feel what i feel and want what i want and wonder what i wonder about it all?
maybe you would. maybe you wouldn’t. but maybes don’t solve matters of the heart. maybes don’t solve life. because hiding behind all those maybes are all our quiet yeses and nos.
and etched in my mind are traces of a love drunk imagination. an enthusiasm for purpose for faithfulness.
a hopeful, wilful, childlike dreaminess. a reason for believing that doesn’t quit, not even after i’ve forgotten the very reason for all this believing.
and just when i think i’ll never remember why,
i close my eyes.
i put my hand to my chest.
i feel my heart beating.
and i am
it’s the comedown, it’s the nature of the nothingness now the time has passed. it’s the uncomfortable reality i’m trying to unknot from around my throat and wrists and ankles. i don’t want to be tethered to it.
freedom. from these shackles and dungeons, chains and ropes and bars i find myself trapped within beneath behind inside. set my heart free i want to fly fly fly. i want to soar – so high – my feet will never touch the ground [just the hearts of others, so very much like mine]. let me fly.
and i feel like myself, a little more a little more. as each minute passes. as light fades to turn the sky to the darkest blue and black.
i’ve been waiting all day to escape to the coma of a dream-filled night
as the sun and the warmth have done nothing but mock the numb and the burnt and the broken.
i feel like myself a little more and more than that.
but that’s all.