but that’s the exact thing, i didn’t push you away. i didn’t make mountains out of molehills and try too hard to find it. it just came, landed lightly on my heart, and breathed an air of freshness into my soul.
my knees collapsed as my heart exploded into tiny particles of happiness, into small slivers of supposed-to-be, slicing their way through memories of remembering.
it feels oh so easy.
this is how i feel. everyday.
the happiness is overwhelming sometimes. i can feel it seeping from my heart, my skin, my breath.
it pulsates and vibrates into the air around me. it changes everything. it’s like magic.
and this is what i live for.
today was two kinds of day.
it was beautiful and it was agonising. it was inspiring. it was nostalgia, wrapped in a sweater of friendship and love. it was a tremendous amount of anxiety, of preparation… preparing for heartache. my body steadying for the blow.
it will be tough.
my eyelids were wet with tears. a coldness, made from salt and all my fears. time is gaining on me. in thirteen sleeps i’ll be up, up and away.
change makes me sad. change makes me happy. change makes me.
my heart races to the sound of voices in the background, mumbling into one, a word standing out here and there.
but my heart races. that’s the point.
it’s in the air, it’s on my skin – it’s tears stinging at the backs of my eyes. excitement, extreme excitement…
i’ve missed you, terribly.
sunrises, sunsets, europe.
the susurrus of rain on the roof stirs me so gently from sleep, this morning.
and peaceful, i wake, smiling at the muted light surrounding the gap between the blind and the window frame, i adjust to the day. easily. and i pull the covers up to my neck, stretching my legs to the end of the bed, squeezing and relaxing into happiness, under the sheets. i wake, i rise, i smile.
sunday morning, the day is mine.
it’s pretty overwhelming. this brilliant feeling that makes me laugh, stupidly and alone. smile at the thought. lose myself in remembering. thoughts flutter off: daydream. delirious with happiness, just like it’s meant to be.
it’s unlike anything, but something incredible. already i know it, burningly. and giddily, i’m in what i feel.
tears blurred my vision as i clutched my sides and choked on the words i hopelessly attempted to form; nonsensical broken sentences, parts of words spluttered between a gasping of air and spurts of silent laughter.
and as i bounced up and down, the welling in my eyes overflowed, streaming down my face and leaving a residue of dry, gritty, salt on my cheeks.
in that moment, i felt a giddiness i hadn’t known in years. a reminder of how wonderful it is to be simply and knowingly happy.