goddammit.

i won’t be sleeping anytime soon. my eyes aren’t tired. my mind is wired. too many thoughts are racing to let me rest just yet.

[please,
please come soon.]

it came out of nowhere and now it’s nothing again, not that it was anything, but still – it was something nonetheless. something i’d kinda missed, i guess, when i think about it at least.

oh sigh.

i’ll just convince myself some more.

i wish i could say it was numb that i felt, that i feel. but we all know that’s a lie. i feel too much, about everything. i know that’s my problem. i just don’t know why. or how to fix it. fix me. it isn’t about anything but how i feel, now.

[please,
please leave soon.]

nothing can steal happiness, peace away from you: if anyone does make you angry, you are the loser; if someone can allow you to lose peace, you are the loser.

bikram choudry.

you.

it’s pretty overwhelming. this brilliant feeling that makes me laugh, stupidly and alone. smile at the thought. lose myself in remembering. thoughts flutter off: daydream. delirious with happiness, just like it’s meant to be.

it’s pleasant
and honest
and raw.

it’s unlike anything, but something incredible. already i know it, burningly. and giddily, i’m in what i feel.

chasing happiness.

i run towards it. everyday.

that feeling of joy, the squeal and the excitement of the purest moment of happiness. the one you feel even after it fades to a memory.

the smell, the reminder, the tingle down your spine. the love, the freedom the moments lost in time floating by so fast you forget to keep up. so you slow it down and appreciate every second. but in the end, even that only lasts a while.

you get one shot. be grateful. do it right.

we waste too much. too much energy, too much emotion…

too much time.

so think about what you want and who you are and how everything will work out. life is magical, miraculous, more than we can imagine. 

chase the newness of tomorrow. the dream, the love, the rainbows. life is perfect.

today i laughed so hard, i cried.

tears blurred my vision as i clutched my sides and choked on the words i hopelessly attempted to form; nonsensical broken sentences, parts of words spluttered between a gasping of air and spurts of silent laughter.

and as i bounced up and down, the welling in my eyes overflowed, streaming down my face and leaving a residue of dry, gritty, salt on my cheeks.

in that moment, i felt a giddiness i hadn’t known in years. a reminder of how wonderful it is to be simply and knowingly happy.

the long haul

today, it’s my mum and dad’s 31st wedding anniversary. what a benchmark to strive to.

part of me has always known such a marriage/relationship/love exists because i see it, everyday. but another part of me feels that the idea of finding a soulmate is so far fetched. you can’t always be that lucky.

it’s huge. so much bigger than me. something i can’t fathom. that feeling of wanting to be with someone for 31 years. still, they are happy. so happy. happier than i can ever imagine being, with someone else.

“i didn’t know what i was doing 31 years ago. i just knew i wanted to be with her,” dad said. mum agreed, “we didn’t have any plans. it was just about being with each other.”

they just wanted to get married. they were so sure. mum was 19. dad turned 21 the next day. so young to make such a big decision. but love doesn’t discriminate based on age. those people who say you don’t know what love is, you’re too young are so wrong. love is love. it just gets more complicated when you’re older. there are more things to consider. but that’s our fault. whatever happened to falling?

this love, that my mum and dad share, is big. soulmate big.

i’m hopeful. plus, luck has been pretty kind to me in the past.

adjusting

it’s all about perception.

how you look at the world can determine the type of person you are and the life you live. change perspective, change your angle of attack, change the way you plan. 

happiness is what it is. but, with perception, you find it in the most unlikely places.