and it flew into the air once more. an indelible, idle feeling, where those others never rest. no rust, in the isle reeling with it all, in the garden of my life. no fair minded foreverness. just a future made of gold and a life of living free.
i do my best to shift it aside, dull it from my memory bank. push it to the darkest corner of my mind. but it comes rattling through and shakes me up, this fear. it’s eating me, so silently, alive.
it’s the remembering that scares me most. but, this won’t be like that. see, this fear brings courage, elation, change! yes, change!
so i swallow it along with all the care i have. the newness has me trembling with anticipation. [goosebumps run up and down my arms at the thought of it all.]
life is delivering bucketloads of unending possibilities right to the doorstep of my heart.
and only time can split the past in paths of two or three or four. and we won’t know until we see it chasing and clawing and knocking at the door to our hearts, so fragile, and beating, bleating, bleeding buckets of hope. so deaf to sounds other than love and fate.
oh my soul – utterly, profoundly, exotically yearning.
why are you there and not here and a dream and not real and a thought and not mine to have. to steal your heart, your soul, everything you’ll give in all your deepest breaths.
mine is yours.
i want you to see my everyday. the things i do when you’re not here. i want you to know the quirks and movements and breaths of my life. the way i drive to work. my favourite place to eat. my best friends. my home.
my sunsets and my stars. my clouds. my bright blue sky.
one day, we’ll sit side-by-side, and suddenly, all these beautiful things will be ours.
and we’ll be a we and you’ll be my everyday.
handstands in surfers paradise. queensland, australia.
i do washing and walk down the street like i know where i’m going. i carry my just-in-case umbrella. i do grocery shopping with my canvas bag. i go grilling with german girls and boys. i listen to the words georgie says, they form a conversation just out of reach from my understanding – intonations, pace and rhythm as though it’s all the same.
i’m getting used to listening to languages. if i just find the peaks and troughs, if i hear the story from the start, if i stop trying to find the words, i find the theme and i laugh along. foolishly, perhaps.
but do i care?
this week, i’m a resident of stuttgart. this week is love and this week is friendship reunited. and i’m bottling it all, to savour these feelings, for the next long absence from my dear friend georgie.
break every bone in my body.
hear them crack.
rip open my chest and hold my heart in your hands. watch it beat and take it as yours. you can keep it, forever…
if you’d like.
but, if you do, promise you’ll keep me alive. and let me become you.
you, my reason for living. the only reason. you.
it’d be worth everything i know, to have you as my own.