loving kindness

 let go of your mind so you can fall into your heart.
i know i get in my own way, the thoughts the wondering, the logic, the panic.
short of breath i tell myself the hardest is to come. i give into the sadness the loneliness the doubting i might ever make it out. i lose the moment in the thinking. i lose the moment, i lose myself, i lose the reason behind my always moving forward, searching  within.
it’s the moment that matters most of all.
we have so few.
this life is so short.

so there should be no more rehashing or rehearsing
he told us tonight as i felt the earth beneath my feet and lifted my chest to the sky to let my heart shed shining, blinding light.
my big and bold and grateful heart, a heart of joy, led by love, led by now.
a heart who knows how to feel, who knows where to guide me, who teaches gentleness and courage, faith and hopefulness.
a heart who is here. its life force always home as it beats in this metronome of constant, steadiness, sameness and calm.
without thinking, follow feeling, follow truth, follow kindness. without thinking, be here now. let the shining, blinding light of your big and bold and knowing heart lead the way, head held high face beaming eyes glittering thoughts still and calm and easy and now.

lost without you 

  
nights are the hardest. they pull me apart. i turn into just pieces of me. they don’t quite fit back together without you. 

i feel you from here. i feel you in my thoughts and dreams. i feel you in the quiet and the steady and the gentleness of my loneliness. 

and then i feel you fast and strong, in the whirlwind of my days and the noisy, rustling wind that stirs outside my window and the ticking in the ceiling that has no cause or source. i know you think and dream and feel me too. but life is just so much sweeter when i’m with you. 

so come back to me and bring my heart, bring yours too. come back to me darling, come home soon. no more airport goodbyes, no more last nights or mornings or meals or drives. just this next time to last us forever. yeah, that’d be just fine. 

in that moment

but who am i to know the difference? who am i to call the spade by its real name and forget all those things that came before and stole my thoughts away. nothing existed before this. i checked out i floated and i grasped only onto the littlest breath to save me as i fell victim to wanting and waiting. as i became the pining that became the all of me.

and that time seems misspent. it became the in between i constantly seem caught in. and sure the cycle may end and sure the pieces may fall, but i know more than all of that and i wasted time and i lost track. i wasn’t me, not in entirety. my body walked and stumbled through the life in front of me, while my mind and my heart and my soul had stayed behind.

but i found it all again when i stepped off the plane and into washington air and saw the white of his smile through the glare of his car’s front windscreen, traffic backed up, i waited for him to find a stop, for that first touch, after so long away. and in one moment, into me flooded all that mind and heart and soul that i thought i’d lost in all the chaos. in this other life i became whole, in that moment, as he held me and we swayed and it felt just like yesterday and not eighty days between each kiss.

never has time played so elusively. never have i felt more out of control. never have i felt like i needed something, not like this. when i left i left it here, all my greatest parts are his.

we took to the skies and collided, in the universe of our thoughts, exploding into stardust and all the bits and pieces of hope and love and forever.