everywhere and here

i was overcome by the feeling of gratitude and dissolving into being here. he’s here. with me. with this love so deep.

i wasn’t ready for it to hit me like it did. to all at once remember and feel so lucky to know this is how it all worked out. the most perfect life of moments all leading to that night we met. on the other side of the world. where i was never planning to be. and neither was he.

and how could it be that we could make it there together to that place in a space so open and ready for this love that was delivered to us, or we sought out, or stumbled upon and so willingly found. in the blink of an eye it was us. in the beat of a heart we fell in love.

i dream to pass the time

it’s all become clear.
i get it.
i see it!
you feel
what i feel
what you feel.

from near and from [this painfully] far.
i get it i see it. and it’s love. it’s our love.
oh my darling! it’s our big, big love.
and even still,
it’s even more.

300 days away.

IMG_9642

i’m home.

fear, anticipation, anxiety, excitement, dread, exhaustion, sadness, emptiness, complete and utter fulfilment, satisfaction.

happiness.

the people i shared this year with made it all so worthwhile: the people i never expected to meet, never expected to feel so much for, people i never expected to be missing this soon. i’ve never known a life like this, it was only ever a dream. and it still feels just that way.

how can it have gone by so fast?

i’m balancing on a ridge between tears and disaster. i fear the fall, i fear the darkness [i can’t see below] i fear all the unknowingness of returning to a place i fought so desperately to leave. from a person i didn’t recognise, to become the me i am right now. the person i’ve been neglecting, trying to be something and someone i’m not. but this, this is me. and i owe it all to the unknown. to the places i find love, to the people i met.

the people the people the people.

those who made me think, made me question and develop my beliefs, nurture my own sense of self. those who undid me, who stripped away the nonsense and dug their way to the very core of who i am. those who came to know me by more than just my name and my hometown. those who watched me fall apart, who kept me close no matter how many times i tried to push them away. those who became the family i missed and longed for. those who took me in, walked through the flames beside me, ran towards the fear and fought me and my innate desire to shy away from the hurt and pain and aided in a sense of deliverance from all that ever held me back.

the people, those people, the love i have for you. the person i became because of you. the things that changed in spite of all the resistance to or simple unknowing of everything i truly needed.

those people.

300 days.

day 300.

i’m home i’m home i’m home.

i spend my life waiting.

i’m feeling a bit revived. like someone took a tiny ray of the sun and put it in my dreams. i like rainbows, a lot. that honest way they move me when i see them, is what i want to feel everyday – for every minute i live.

i want to know who gave me the sun.

there’s an ambition in me now, one i think i lost for some moments, when i got myself lost in some moments. i feel it bubbling under my skin and deep in my heart. the physical feeling from the smells and the sounds and the memories. the weeks lost in journeys and those people with their stories so full. the cherry that made it all worthwhile.

so grateful, i am. humbled, too. it’s not often you get this lucky – at least i don’t think. so i count my blessings one by one, day by day. you don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

i lay here in a moment that feels like grace. if i could float i think i would. because i’ve found my plans again. i’ll wait, everyday, for however long it takes, to know that i’ll be seeing rainbows.

keep feeding me those little rays of sun.

be grateful to have been given one more day, let alone one more year. remember to dance in your nightgown, sing in the shower, ride a bike, fly a kite and take an occasional “wind bath” in your bare skin. give those you love big kisses and huge hugs, and the words “i love you” often and always. nurture your body rather than starve your soul with fad dieting. spend time with the old and the weary to better appreciate your life. on your birthday, call your mother and father wherever they are to thank them for all the have done for you, even if you think they haven’t done enough. watch “life is beautiful” at least once a year. remember you are not guaranteed tomorrow and that today is as good as it gets. thank god for every “thing,” every “day,” every moment.

philosophy.

no ordinary girl.

my mind is working overtime, more so than usual, and in a different way. i haven’t been thinking consuming thoughts, those that affect you, wire you to yourself internally. i have been thinking about the future, daydreaming, wondering when, how, what, if. all the opportunities and moments awaiting me, an hour away, a day away, a week away, however long away, i reach for them. i yearn for them. i can’t wait to be in them, looking back and thinking about how i longed for each moment.

i just don’t want to take them for granted.

it happens all too often. you’re in a place, at a particular time, feeling whole. and then it’s done. and then it’s gone. and you begin to think about it in hindsight. in retrospect. with a different mindset, headspace, emotionality. and you wonder why you didn’t suck every last particle of energy from that moment. why you didn’t capture the feeling in a little glass jar and put it under your pillow when you went to bed, just so you might recreate that relatively tiny space of lifetime in your dreams that night. and as many nights after that until the energy slowly seeped from the little cracks where the lid meets the glass by which time you had experienced a similar feeling to hold. and so the cycle could continue.

i painfully admit i have taken things for granted recently. i can see myself doing it, and i try my hardest to stop it, but i can’t. it is what it is. but i’ll never stop trying.

today was a day i couldn’t take for granted, even if i tried. i worked with my dad today. i sanded and painted and hammered and nail gunned. and it was a perfect day, doing things not everyone does in their life. doing things that make me appreciate where i have come from. who i am. my dad who can do anything.

exhausted, i sit in bed thinking about today and i put that feeling in my little glass jar.