every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

oscar wilde.

ready or not.

i want to go back an read all the books i read even just a year ago. i wonder how i’d feel about them now. i wonder what i’d think of them.

there is no sour taste. there is no hate or loathing. there is no insecurity holding me back. i’m pushing forward and into life, into the world and across the universe. the doors are opening and the clouds are clearing and autumn’s rainy days are making me smile.

you see, i’m not the person i used to be. i’m not holding onto anything. not wishing my life away. not waiting for that huge moment to lose myself in and fill myself up. no. and it’s no because i know. it’s coming. my heart tugs a little at my chest when i think about it. and i breathe a little deeper and smile a little wider. autumn rain and open doors.

it’s just simple living…

simple living and patient waiting.

need not apply.

the story is i’m in limbo, but i’m not, anymore. the story was i was looking for something. and i’ve found that. and the story continues, having found, i’ve discovered. 

i’ve been to lots of places. i’ve seen lots of things. i’ve done so much. and i’m no where near content with all that. there’s so much more than all this.

i bought a book, a journal of sorts, to map out my dreams. there are one hundred and one pages to write one hundred and one goals. i’ve filled thirty five. it’s not enough. think, think, think. but still, my mind is blank.

what the hell do i want to do?  what am i expecting?

and as i sit here kicking myself, i find it. you see, that’s the beauty of the thing. i don’t have any expectations. life is throwing itself at me and like a desperate soul, i’m taking it all. nothing is too much. nothing will leave me astounded. i’m willing to accept, arms wide open, welcoming it all.

opportunities, experiences, the outrageous entirety of life.

and i’m loving it.

gone are the days of waiting for the phone calls, the offers, the interviews that never came. i’m settled, i can actually see a future, for the first time in years. i know where i’m headed. speed bumps have flattened, hurdles gone.

i’ll feel comfortable and i’ll be okay with that. i won’t up and leave. i won’t run away. there’s nothing to run from now. no reason. no want. i’ll forever yearn to see the world and it’s glory. but my life is now steady, committed, and exciting, all at once.

i’m so ready. bring on 2012.

that’s a very good place to start

so it’s post three hundred. three hundred times i’ve spilled my thoughts somehow. some of it rubbish, some of it gibberish, some of it a mix of emotions i could do without (those posts i look back on and cringe…windows that should’ve never been opened (but were, so that’s that)).

in the beginning, it was about creating a future, it’s now about exploring me. who i am, who i want to be. a wholly significant young woman with an outrageous life ahead of her; so full of all the possibilities in the world. a world that awaits me. beckons me. taunts and teases and tickles my senses, my ambition.

i wouldn’t change any of the three hundred thousand different emotions i have felt over this past year or so. but i will change the future version of myself. i’ll learn from my mistakes. and i’ll fall, yes. many times.

but always: try, try again.

nothing but a number

“i’m not thinking about next year,” i told her when she asked me of my plans. i used to think in years, set goals in years, tell myself next year is the year. but that’s not me anymore.

it’s all just a way of keeping track, but instead of time as my gauge, i’m using events, those insignificant things that happen everyday. the ones we often look past. opportunity is a funny thing, it turns perception into acceptance. there’s no use being angry at the things you can’t change. the moments that melt away after an hour or two. i’ve found they just become added to the list of day to day events. apparently it’s called life.

this year is no different to next year. it’s only numbers on a calendar. 

but i won’t lie, i’m looking forward to 2012. the new seasons, the career moves, holding my first niece or nephew, seeing my brother marry, my parents live a glowing life, falling in love.

if i want to make plans, set goals, think ahead, i’ll do it all today. it’s day by day starting now. there’s no point waiting any longer. today is as good as any other. i’m just taking it as it comes. 

coming and going

people run away. from a lot of things. physically.

they leave, unable to stand the thought of being in a place without the one they love. they plan, unable to deal with the monotony and pace of everyday life. they make rash decisions, unable to remember why they so desperately needed to run in the first place.

some stay. until they find something to run towards.

i ran. rash decision. hate monotony. no regrets. an amazing journey. soon i’ll run again. but, towards something. something big.