300 days away.

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i’m home.

fear, anticipation, anxiety, excitement, dread, exhaustion, sadness, emptiness, complete and utter fulfilment, satisfaction.

happiness.

the people i shared this year with made it all so worthwhile: the people i never expected to meet, never expected to feel so much for, people i never expected to be missing this soon. i’ve never known a life like this, it was only ever a dream. and it still feels just that way.

how can it have gone by so fast?

i’m balancing on a ridge between tears and disaster. i fear the fall, i fear the darkness [i can’t see below] i fear all the unknowingness of returning to a place i fought so desperately to leave. from a person i didn’t recognise, to become the me i am right now. the person i’ve been neglecting, trying to be something and someone i’m not. but this, this is me. and i owe it all to the unknown. to the places i find love, to the people i met.

the people the people the people.

those who made me think, made me question and develop my beliefs, nurture my own sense of self. those who undid me, who stripped away the nonsense and dug their way to the very core of who i am. those who came to know me by more than just my name and my hometown. those who watched me fall apart, who kept me close no matter how many times i tried to push them away. those who became the family i missed and longed for. those who took me in, walked through the flames beside me, ran towards the fear and fought me and my innate desire to shy away from the hurt and pain and aided in a sense of deliverance from all that ever held me back.

the people, those people, the love i have for you. the person i became because of you. the things that changed in spite of all the resistance to or simple unknowing of everything i truly needed.

those people.

300 days.

day 300.

i’m home i’m home i’m home.

this one’s for you

it’s a strange feeling, knowing i’m going home, possibly on an impulsive decision [choosing the day i did]. but such is life, and everything is done for one reason,
or another.

i’m excited. there’s a glimpse of forgetting how it feels to be safely tucked up in bed in a house with the people who love me most in this entire universe. but then the memory comes flooding back and nostalgia fills me with anticipation.
and anxiety.

i don’t know what will find me there, only time will tell, i guess. all i know is this adventure, this year, feels like a single day. it feels like one long day filled with elements and seasons and emotions and reasons for all the choices i seem to have made so impetuously,
and so perfectly.

i’ve lost, i’ve found, i’ve fallen, i’ve prevailed. i’ve felt, so very deeply. i’ve cried, i’ve loathed and loved and laughed until i hiccuped. i’ve seen things that have moved me in a way i never thought those things ever could. i’ve found people who reminded me of people i already knew. i’ve found people who have changed my life, or at least changed moments in my life, changed my thinking, changed the way i look at and into myself.

i’ve found people.

and, so far, that seems to be the most profound realisation of them all.

the impermanence of place. the joy and the sadness in moving, in leaving. the honouring of the journey. all these events are intensified and cemented as purposeful and necessary by the people i’ve found along the way. the memory of a voice, or a face, or a mannerism that would catch me by surprise. and the ultimate awareness that really, we’re all the same. in this big, glorious world, we are one.

[this is me and morgan]

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i played tourist yesterday and hiked up diamond head. perfect vistas. wonderful friends.

there’s something to be said about the people you meet along the way, what they bring to your life, what it all means.

a reason,
a season, or
a lifetime?

hold tight to the ones who make it easy. whose company you cherish. who make us smile, make us think, push us and support us and bring with them all the light of love. and know that it’s okay to let go of those who don’t. because, at the end of the day, life is too short to waste precious minutes on people who want to let go too.