i will be free
i will be surrounded by adventure
i will not settle.
i will not want.
i will love and i will be loved
it’s black and it’s white.
so beautiful so bright.
where will we go from here?
what will we make of the lives we’re living?
what will we find in all the craziness of all the days we squeeze
and squeeze for all their worth?
seek out the happiness
and the hopefulness
and the humming of the whole of it.
find the measured moments
and crack them open,
with breaking limitations
and bending expectations.
with honesty, and a purposeful fulfilment of all our heart’s most treasured desires – that’s exactly what we need and that’s exactly all that matters. because as we close our eyes each night, we find all those things live so wildly in our dreams.
so why not make them real life? just watch, they’ll send you flying free.
[one hundred and ten]
another life drawing class, but this time i was in my birthday suit. north shore, oahu.
the only way i’ll ever live.
let’s count the stars tonight,
you and me.
and everything is just how it’s meant to be. the connection to the world. me, my breath, the wind and the earth. you, and your breath, the sky and the sea.
everything is perfect. everything is love. everything is free.
don’t forget your heart. its beat marks a map to the scattered constellations of your universe. the stories, the wisdom, the lessons of life. each star a voice, a moment. space. ever-changing. full of dreams just waiting to be chased.
so don’t forget your heart. it may speak quietly, but love lives in the whispers. in midnight conversations. in the space halfway between staring eyes. the answers are always closer than you think. simply, from your head, to your heart.
and just let it be.
and it flew into the air once more. an indelible, idle feeling, where those others never rest. no rust, in the isle reeling with it all, in the garden of my life. no fair minded foreverness. just a future made of gold and a life of living free.
i played today. played. i don’t know the last time i did that, not like this: leapfrogging and cartwheeling and somersaulting, on a patch of grass in the city. losing my breath from laughing so hard. falling to the ground and clapping my hands in sudden moments of hysteria – elation in its purest form.
the swing sets and seesaws and skipping ropes might have become part of the past. a memory of the fun. but today, it all came back to me. innocent. untainted.
i don’t really have much to say. right now, i’m just comfortable. and knowing this is good – it’s not something i care to strive toward.
the last five years of my life have been whimsical. and i’ve loved each moment for that reason. i loved how life felt out of control: unpredictable, spontaneous, without direction or short term goals.
this was something i wanted to find, this was a place i thought i wanted to be. but, now i’m just uncomfortable being comfortable. or so it seems.
maybe i should just pack my bags again, run away and live in my dreams. be the truest form of myself, organic, natural, free.
i’m comfortable but i’m stagnant. i need a shake up. i need some excitement. i need a change of pace.
in two weeks, it will be twelve months since i finished university. so much has happened. yet i am still kicking myself for not having moved into the next phase of my life. i’m transitioning. i’m relaxing. i’m having fun. i have no worries or responsibilities. life is freaking amazing right now.
why the hell am i complaining?
i could live like this forever. write for the rest of my life. for fun. live like a hippie. move back to hawaii to live in a shack by the ocean. all i’ll need is a computer, an old typewriter, no, sheesh, endless reams of paper and pens, no pencils…and a sharpener!
my feet will be hardened from walking around with no shoes. i’ll have a dog named doug who fetches the paper and swims in the sea. i’ll eat bananas and coconuts that fall from the trees.
i’ll be free.
freedom is a challenge. you decide who you are by what you do. it’s like a question, like a fork in the road. an ongoing question you have to keep answering correctly. there’s a touch of the high wire to it. i’ve never been able to walk high wires, but I get the feeling.
hunter s. thompson