i will be free
forever free.
i will be surrounded by adventure
raw emotion
i will not settle.
i will not want.
i will love and i will be loved
there’s really
it’s black and it’s white.
so beautiful so bright.

return to the mat

it’s therapeutic, knowing how much it’s going to hurt, how hard it’s going to be, yet finding something, somewhere, that makes you do it anyway.

it’s only 60 seconds.
it’s only 30 seconds.
it’s only 10 seconds.

holding a pose, telling yourself you can do it. embracing the struggle but knowing you will make it through. and it isn’t about anyone else. it’s just you, in that hot room, sweating out the struggle
and finding a sense of peace,
the relief in the release.

i can’t tell you why i stayed away so long.

in that room, it doesn’t matter who i am. what i wear. how i look. i’m comfortable. confident. ego turns to the pursuit of betterment. self-consciousness melts into every mind over matter balance, stretch and hold. i am all that i think in all the momentariness that makes up my class.

stay in the room, give yourself a couple of minutes. the world hasn’t changed, but you have. he said.

so i did. i practiced my counting in french and i stayed. i felt every part of my body relax into the mat. i felt the sweat roll down my arms into the already saturated towel. i felt the itch, ignored.
and i felt strong.

he was right. when i left the world hadn’t changed, but my spirit fluttered as i hopped on my bike and pedalled my heart out racing the darkness home.


and why shouldn’t it drive you crazy? why shouldn’t it be overwhelming, incomprehensible, unfathomable? 

why should it be understandable, logical or anything close to normal?

why not just let the feelings be feelings, float with the beauty and the madness and let your heart run free.


i’ll run forever, if i have to. away and towards. whatever way i feel, that’s the way i’ll run. chasing my heart, never letting go of my dreams. never giving up on the idea i’ve had all along. because i know that’s how it’s meant to be. that’s how it will be.

you won’t catch me. we won’t fall in love. we’ll just have dreams of eternity, whimsical and romantic ideas about the way things were. the way they’ll always be. those moments measured against the ticking beat of your heart. let them fall through the cracks of your life.

fly by the seat of your pants. 

mysterious and fleeting. try as you might. 

grass stains on my clothes.

i played today. played. i don’t know the last time i did that, not like this: leapfrogging and cartwheeling and somersaulting, on a patch of grass in the city. losing my breath from laughing so hard. falling to the ground and clapping my hands in sudden moments of hysteria – elation in its purest form. 

the swing sets and seesaws and skipping ropes might have become part of the past. a memory of the fun. but today, it all came back to me. innocent. untainted. 


incredibly free.