it’s in the everydayness. the messy morning bed, the smells and sounds of coffee making, the creaks in the floorboards and doors. the sleepy goodmornings, the kisses goodbye, the waiting and waiting and waiting for days end when we walk back into our together everydayness again.
and then there are these special days, summery and seemingly unending. filled with swims in the ocean and walks in the sand, reading our new favourite books, soaking in the sun. watching the sunset on beautiful days. never leaving your side. and drinking wine and eating until we have the fullest bellies and laughing and loving with the fullest hearts.
i’m so happy you’re mine. on the special and the everyday kinda days.
nights are the hardest. they pull me apart. i turn into just pieces of me. they don’t quite fit back together without you.
i feel you from here. i feel you in my thoughts and dreams. i feel you in the quiet and the steady and the gentleness of my loneliness.
and then i feel you fast and strong, in the whirlwind of my days and the noisy, rustling wind that stirs outside my window and the ticking in the ceiling that has no cause or source. i know you think and dream and feel me too. but life is just so much sweeter when i’m with you.
so come back to me and bring my heart, bring yours too. come back to me darling, come home soon. no more airport goodbyes, no more last nights or mornings or meals or drives. just this next time to last us forever. yeah, that’d be just fine.
it’s okay to be vulnerable, he said.
a loving conviction that cut through bone and brick and beat into my heart in an instant of knowing and crumbling.
so i crumbled into his chest and made his skin all wet with the saltiness of undoing and the emptying of ego.
i breathed staccato breaths and buried my worry in blinks and swallows as he held me tight and pressed his kisses to my forehead.
it’ll all work out.
i know, i said.
i need you holding me tonight. as i fall a little apart.
i need your breath,
more than ever.
i need you holding me
a little more together.
and as i fall to parts and pieces,
i hang my heart on the way i know you feel,
i rub the feeling between my fingers, closed eyes, and i remember.
i need you holding me tonight
…i need you holding me forever.
and everything is just how it’s meant to be. the connection to the world. me, my breath, the wind and the earth. you, and your breath, the sky and the sea.
everything is perfect. everything is love. everything is free.
don’t forget your heart. its beat marks a map to the scattered constellations of your universe. the stories, the wisdom, the lessons of life. each star a voice, a moment. space. ever-changing. full of dreams just waiting to be chased.
so don’t forget your heart. it may speak quietly, but love lives in the whispers. in midnight conversations. in the space halfway between staring eyes. the answers are always closer than you think. simply, from your head, to your heart.
and just let it be.
dreamless nights, the deepest sleeps, stillness and you, on my mind.
insides, one step away from melting into the oblivious chasm of undeclared infatuation. of staring and laughing and finding fate.
your hand and my hand, find me in the hollows. lose me to your senses. love me in it all, despite it all, and for it all.
dry off my heart. it’s beating heavy now.
you’ll find me in your footsteps, in your swallows, in the shallows of your eyes. i’m everywhere you are.
this isn’t a dream, not anymore. it’s my new real life.
i pinch myself and laugh.
i found a note i wrote. a single, narrow page, scrawled with black ink and the love of a heart bleeding with hope. the year before last i wrote it. folded it. slid it into a pocket, behind scrawled pages, behind times and places, in the very back of my diary.
the note smells like leather and youth.
the note, unfound, until now.
it’s a note. written with naivety, behind that rose-coloured glass that makes everything so glorious, behind the romanticism of a single unhinged moment. without fear or worry or confusion.
i found a note.
so be bold, be brave, be daring!
because, well, what is life without adventure?