this world gives me options. and i choose, path by path by path, to walk slow, run fast. find nothing. find everything. find time moving in a straight line as days slip by weeks slip by months, and so here i am. but, i know it curves, i know there are answers in the breeze that passes by me as i sit on a stool at a bench in the windowsill of this cafe by the water’s edge and write and think and breathe unsteadily. i’ve lost touch and i’m sleeping through my life with tired eyes and a weary mind.
i think i think too much.
the sun is setting. it’s the hottest part of the day so far. and the water ebbs and flows in front of my eyes as birds glide and people in cars pass by as mountains sit in silhouette on the horizon in the very distance, looking very much like a painting. and but for how it looks, i take nothing from it.
there’s jazz on the radio. i tap my toes. i drink green tea. this bench is too high and i scratch my wrists gently on the edge of my computer as i type. i would say it feels kinda nice [because that sounds kinda right] but it doesn’t. it’s uncomfortable, but i don’t move an inch.
i sit and sense the heat of this sunset on my arm and my face and the scratching of my wrists from all this nonsense writing and the beating of my heart and emptiness of my tummy.
and i try to feel.
i was lost
somewhere along the way
and instead of finding the way
i found myself.
in dreaming and in feeling.
i found myself.
i fight it. and i pretend it’s not what it is, that is doesn’t feel as nice as it does, that it isn’t really anything.
then i give in and i start seeing it for what it’s meant to be. feeling how i should. letting myself…
and that’s when i get scared.
it’s such a beautiful day today.
remind me to tell you, when i see you next. he has a girlfriend, apparently long term, apparently he’s happy. very happy. hmmm.
you know, shit happens. and maybe i made a mountain out of a molehill. maybe it wasn’t what i thought. maybe i want it so bad that i made it all up in my head. or maybe i didn’t and it’s just bad luck. so sorry, i won’t deny it or think it was wrong. it was what it was.
either way, i won’t lose sleep and i won’t let my heart ache. i’ll pass it off as a fleeting dream. a moment where for just a little while it was me on a cloud of a feeling so nice.
i want to write, but i don’t know what to write about. i could write about the amazing things i have done over the past couple of days, the wonderful feelings i have had after seeing old friends, experiencing new things and being so comfortable here. i could write about the stupid things like running out of money and watching my first turkey get stuffed. i could write about anything, really.
but i don’t want to.
there is nothing making me write. i think it’s because i am happy. things are filling me up. feelings, i guess. so that i don’t feel the need to write about them to the extent that it becomes a database of memories and therapy sessions and emotional expression. but i still want to write.
of course i do. it’s me. it’s scrapbooking. it’s documenting.
as much as i don’t want to write about what i’ve been doing and seeing and experiencing, i can’t leave out how amazing it was to be in dc. seriously. humbling, historical, beautiful, full. full of information and secrets and stories. oh to be a fly on the wall.
i’m tired. too tired to sleep. too tired to write. so i’ll wrap myself up in flannelette sheets and appreciate the comfort and feeling and love i have for everything tonight.
i like travelling, i decided with confidence. i like the thrill of getting off a plane in a place i’ve never been and walking to the other side of the airport to find a gate for a connecting flight. i like the suspense of waiting in your seat for someone to walk up and say they’re sitting next to you. and i like even more the excitement when they close the doors and you’re left with two empty seats and a joy for the stretch you’ll soon be able to indulge in. what pleasure!
i left maui tuesday night. and with it i left some people i started to love. grandma, mum, daughter. Three generations of the same blood, yet all completely different people, all completely different when compared to me, too. i gave hugs and said see you sooner than you think, while choking a little on a tightness in my throat – one that took me by surprise. it wasn’t overwhelming, but a flutter of a feeling i didn’t think i’d have. one i thought excitement would mask.
sitting on the plane, on the way to baltimore, i feel a sense of accomplishment. yeah, that’s what i would call this feeling. accomplished satisfaction.
phoenix was nothing like i expected. actually, i didn’t have any expectations for it – being a city i was only passing through. but when i looked out my window before landing and saw clumps of crater like mountains, i was in awe. appearing as though they had been thrown upon the ground and carved into shape, the terrain took me in.
i sleep on and off. dream crazy things. my mind, abuzz.
ipod on shuffle, flying to kings of leon: arizona. amazing happenstance. this will be good.
i arrive. it’s more than i can manage. overwhelming. but, so much better than i could have ever imagined.
but, i’m feeling something…