i was noticed as a tourist in hawaii because i was without a tan and i’m noticed as a tourist in colorado because i appear to be so cold. apparently it’s in the eyes. when they water. and in the scarf as it wraps itself tightly around my face, in front of my mouth, so as i breathe the hot air heats my lips and neck and cheeks.
i’ve got it sorted. the cold is growing on me. but i must admit, it is very cold. ah ha! there i go again, speaking about the weather. it’s my go to topic. i think it might be universal.
see, the adventure is winding down. at the start, i spoke about the weather as a way of avoiding the fact that i honestly missed home and i didn’t want to admit it to myself. and now, i’m speaking about the weather as a way of avoiding the fact that reality is closer than i can stand to think. and again, i don’t want to admit it to myself.
of so many things.
things that stand so close for me to touch.
things that stand too far for me to reach.
things that are real and tangible.
things that are hopeful or just an idea.
things that i want too bad to admit.
things that i am afraid of losing.
i am obsessed with panoramic photos. making them, stitching them, from shots (as a pathetic tourist) one after the other ensuring i stay still and in line and keep the snaps perfectly overlapped so as not to miss a shot and ruin the entire possibility of a brilliant photo that captures more than i would ever possibly need. it’s the same with my life. i’m trying to keep it all in line, perfect, sequential, overlapping. so i cover all my bases. so i don’t miss a thing. i can’t. i refuse to.
but, i know i don’t have much control. life will keep going in whatever direction it chooses to go. i can steer but i can’t direct. i just hope navman is ready for this adventure. i don’t want to get lost. but then again, how much fun can you really have on the straight and narrow?
i am scared of everything that is about to happen in my life. nervously scared. and the very thought of being scared excites me. it’s an odd feeling. the possibilities feel too great for me to risk losing. and in that one statement, so many unrecognised truths rest. i was wrong all along…no, i was right all along.
i’m on the back end, in a couple of weeks i begin my journey home. not to finish the adventure, but to start. and that’s exciting. so instead of being scared, i’ll just let it be. easier said than done. but i’m working on it.
let’s talk about the weather.