farewell

take this fear and throw it on the fire of my imagination. i’ll watch it burn and turn to embers. i’ll watch it become ash. it’s settled on my skin, just heavy enough to notice, just light enough for the wind to take it with its breath as i finally let it go.

we’re all scared. life is daunting and overwhelming. life is unexpected and unrelenting. so what do we do with the fear when it rises and bubbles? how do we pull it from all the places it doesn’t belong and let it be only a reminder of the courage and freedom that it perpetuates deep within us every second of every day?

we live.

we do the things we long to do, the things that burn holes in our desire. that change us and open our minds in no way we thought possible. we learn. we discover. we chase our loves and bare our souls to this crazy, beautiful world. we say yes, with wholeheartedness, to everything good and kind.

we love.

we take the chances our ego warns us of. we pull ourselves out and over the edge and we fall into the love all around us, within us, smiling and screaming with joy and hopefulness, as we find our wings and fly. surrender to your life and everything you want so deeply, wholly, surely. 

be fearless, be brave. let love be life and life be love.

so they come creeping.

i do my best to shift it aside, dull it from my memory bank. push it to the darkest corner of my mind. but it comes rattling through and shakes me up, this fear. it’s eating me, so silently, alive.

it’s the remembering that scares me most. but, this won’t be like that. see, this fear brings courage, elation, change! yes, change!

so i swallow it along with all the care i have. the newness has me trembling with anticipation. [goosebumps run up and down my arms at the thought of it all.]

oh,
the mystery!

life is delivering bucketloads of unending possibilities right to the doorstep of my heart.

now choose.

4am

where you wake to only your thoughts. haunting paranoia. sleep, sleep, sleep.

no
use
.

insecure, unsure…

s c a t t e r e d.

4am. i want to wake to grace and love and excitement. with a smile on my face.

if this is where i find my fear, this is where i’ll find my peace.

paralysis.

i fight it. and i pretend it’s not what it is, that is doesn’t feel as nice as it does, that it isn’t really anything.

then i give in and i start seeing it for what it’s meant to be. feeling how i should. letting myself…

and that’s when i get scared.

it’s such a beautiful day today.

so how’s the weather?

i was noticed as a tourist in hawaii because i was without a tan and i’m noticed as a tourist in colorado because i appear to be so cold. apparently it’s in the eyes. when they water. and in the scarf as it wraps itself tightly around my face, in front of my mouth, so as i breathe the hot air heats my lips and neck and cheeks.

i’ve got it sorted. the cold is growing on me. but i must admit, it is very cold. ah ha! there i go again, speaking about the weather. it’s my go to topic. i think it might be universal.

see, the adventure is winding down. at the start, i spoke about the weather as a way of avoiding the fact that i honestly missed home and i didn’t want to admit it to myself. and now, i’m speaking about the weather as a way of avoiding the fact that reality is closer than i can stand to think. and again, i don’t want to admit it to myself.

i’m scared.

of so many things.

things that stand so close for me to touch.

things that stand too far for me to reach.

things that are real and tangible.

things that are hopeful or just an idea.

things that i want too bad to admit.

things that i am afraid of losing.

every

little

thing.

i am obsessed with panoramic photos. making them, stitching them, from shots (as a pathetic tourist) one after the other ensuring i stay still and in line and keep the snaps perfectly overlapped so as not to miss a shot and ruin the entire possibility of a brilliant photo that captures more than i would ever possibly need. it’s the same with my life. i’m trying to keep it all in line, perfect, sequential, overlapping. so i cover all my bases. so i don’t miss a thing. i can’t. i refuse to.

but, i know i don’t have much control. life will keep going in whatever direction it chooses to go. i can steer but i can’t direct. i just hope navman is ready for this adventure. i don’t want to get lost. but then again, how much fun can you really have on the straight and narrow?

i am scared of everything that is about to happen in my life. nervously scared. and the very thought of being scared excites me. it’s an odd feeling. the possibilities feel too great for me to risk losing. and in that one statement, so many unrecognised truths rest. i was wrong all along…no, i was right all along.

i’m on the back end, in a couple of weeks i begin my journey home. not to finish the adventure, but to start. and that’s exciting. so instead of being scared, i’ll just let it be. easier said than done. but i’m working on it.

let’s talk about the weather.

coming and going

people run away. from a lot of things. physically.

they leave, unable to stand the thought of being in a place without the one they love. they plan, unable to deal with the monotony and pace of everyday life. they make rash decisions, unable to remember why they so desperately needed to run in the first place.

some stay. until they find something to run towards.

i ran. rash decision. hate monotony. no regrets. an amazing journey. soon i’ll run again. but, towards something. something big.