any day now

beneath it all, brewing and bubbling, a beautiful thing is happening.

a thing that will change my life, change yours too. oh, and change the world, you know. because that’s all i really want to do. change the world and give give give so much love.

[it’s all there bottled and ready – so take it if you dare. take it and drown in it. and know exactly what to do as it fills your heart and offers a completeness – one we always search for, but one that’s found in unseeing. in unthinking. in the undoing of all we’ve been told to know.]

the wind moves fast and the birds call loud and i stop and i breathe and i smile, just to take the time to feel the excitement pulsating through my veins, against my skin and into my heart, as it all starts to erupt in fiery anticipation and elation. 

it’s joy, so pure and lovely.

so they come creeping.

i do my best to shift it aside, dull it from my memory bank. push it to the darkest corner of my mind. but it comes rattling through and shakes me up, this fear. it’s eating me, so silently, alive.

it’s the remembering that scares me most. but, this won’t be like that. see, this fear brings courage, elation, change! yes, change!

so i swallow it along with all the care i have. the newness has me trembling with anticipation. [goosebumps run up and down my arms at the thought of it all.]

the mystery!

life is delivering bucketloads of unending possibilities right to the doorstep of my heart.

now choose.

winter, no blues.

i live for those days. walking and feeling the sun, the air, the coolness. i live for those moments of breathing so deeply i gasp and sob. and the air hits my chest and the feeling floods my body, through my shoulders and arms, to my toes in my shoes.

my fingers pulse and my legs feel a little heavy but the excitement builds and i’m left alone in that moment of mine, just mine, that precious piece of time. 

it’s happening more, lately.

i watch the weather forecast each morning. it’s those unusually warm days in winter; making it through those cold months; and then, that feeling as the weather warms to spring. those are the days that thrill me. 

but for now, the slow burn of this raw winter chill makes me happier than it has in seasons before. somehow, it does.

i walk to work to the beat of the music in my ears. 

need not apply.

the story is i’m in limbo, but i’m not, anymore. the story was i was looking for something. and i’ve found that. and the story continues, having found, i’ve discovered. 

i’ve been to lots of places. i’ve seen lots of things. i’ve done so much. and i’m no where near content with all that. there’s so much more than all this.

i bought a book, a journal of sorts, to map out my dreams. there are one hundred and one pages to write one hundred and one goals. i’ve filled thirty five. it’s not enough. think, think, think. but still, my mind is blank.

what the hell do i want to do?  what am i expecting?

and as i sit here kicking myself, i find it. you see, that’s the beauty of the thing. i don’t have any expectations. life is throwing itself at me and like a desperate soul, i’m taking it all. nothing is too much. nothing will leave me astounded. i’m willing to accept, arms wide open, welcoming it all.

opportunities, experiences, the outrageous entirety of life.

and i’m loving it.

gone are the days of waiting for the phone calls, the offers, the interviews that never came. i’m settled, i can actually see a future, for the first time in years. i know where i’m headed. speed bumps have flattened, hurdles gone.

i’ll feel comfortable and i’ll be okay with that. i won’t up and leave. i won’t run away. there’s nothing to run from now. no reason. no want. i’ll forever yearn to see the world and it’s glory. but my life is now steady, committed, and exciting, all at once.

i’m so ready. bring on 2012.

the day i’ve been waiting on, arriving at last.

it happened this morning, called into a meeting. they offered me full time. in communications and events. i have been working hard to prove my worth. waiting to be recognised. taking every inch as an inch and nothing more.

it just goes to show, hard work does pay off.

three months ago, i couldn’t have imagined this. well, i could’ve, just not this soon.

i was never a believer in you have to start somewhere…to me, that was bull. but now, i’ve started somewhere and i’m going somewhere and this time spent in limbo is finally becoming clear. direction, a career, a life only just beginning. 

i’ve been waiting. and it’s happened.

it’s happening…

i started getting excited again, don’t ask me why or what about. but i think it has something to do with making plans. seeing things through. organising. looking forward to something. being injected with a feeling of meaning little by little, i’m achieving things. and, as each day comes with tomorrow i’m fully prepared to throw myself into the wind of living, to be swept up in the hurricane of being, and just do.

there are no more reasons to put my life on hold. no more reasons to stop making plans. when something happens, it will happen. but for now, i’ll be excited and everything around me will make me smile. everything around me will make sense. little by little, my world will fall into place on either side of the living taking me over. letting me see there’s so much more to this than i could ever give it credit for.