what is.

everything feels frantic. i’m anxious and on edge. it feels like it’s all getting away from me. like life is moving too fast. and it’s taking my precious time with it. 

i feel out of control. out of my body, at times. i feel disconnected and everything seems vague and dreamlike. it’s unnerving. 

i like to be in control. it’s testing to not be. and it’s taking it’s toll.

oh give me something tangible to take into my dreams. something to hold onto in the darkness. make my life miserably brilliant. depressingly perfect. enviable to myself. bring me my wishes and princes on white horses. rainbows with treasure chests and fairy dust at my bedside. let me wake to beautiful memories of dreams too painfully vivid. everlasting love and til death do we part. those kisses that will bring you back to life. 

the fairytale.

let me live it and remember it forever.

and these moments now, of uncontrollableness, well let them be a part of it all. the bigger picture of life and other things. the contrast of the serene beauty and the painstaking reality of a passionate life. the ghost of regret that lingers too long, no matter your denial.

i’ll live in the moment. there’s nothing but now. i’ll remember that the next time i listen to you speak, and nothing sinks in. i’ll be present. stay here. listen. take it all in. i won’t be absent, i’ll be involved.

cross my heart.

dare me.

i’m reckless, but measuredly so. i want to keep you guessing. and keep surprising myself, too. i make rash decisions, i’m spontaneous but organised. i’d like to but, i don’t dare myself enough. c’mon. you only live this once. there isn’t anything more. 

live dangerously, break the rules, forget the boundaries. push envelopes, challenge ideals, make a difference.

live free.

and love. wildly.

leap: eyes closed, head first, without a second’s hesitation. chase your dreams, follow your heart, hunt down those insanely good times – until that’s all there is. don’t believe the hype, don’t believe the haters. but be a superhero. and save the planet.

i want to change the world. is that so much to ask?

11.11

all i want to do is write about love. write the movie of my life. live until i can’t breathe because i can’t stop telling you about all the amazing little things that happened to me, today. until i’m blue in the face.

i want you to tell me i’m kicking ass, breaking records, living way beyond your expectations of me. and you love it. and you love me. and you can’t imagine life without loving me forever.

you – my imagination, the unconscious reassurance that i don’t actually need, but crave for, unbelievably so – the affirmation and the recognition and the appreciation of a life lived oh so well, it hurts. it hurts so much.

let my heart ache; my eyes throb; my ears ring; my mouth water; my nostrils burn; and my fingertips swell. with tiredness. pure exhaustion. life lived to the absolute extreme. giving so much. expecting nothing but love. because, really, that’s all there is. that’s all there should be.

all i want to do is write about the loves of my life. the moments that leave my eyes stinging and my skin tingling and my mouth widening with a smile and a thought of who can i tell, right now in this moment?  

who will appreciate the most insignificant, the most irrelevant, the most ridiculous story? the story that i desperately want to share.

magical. serene. all encompassing, overwhelming and uncontrollable.

i want to write about love, for as long as i live. 

.

time is passing, fast. i’m stuck in this moment, a constant battle between my head and my heart. i’m young, i have everything ahead of me: love, life, adventure, travel, sunsets in colours more vivid than i can dream, in countries more alive than i can imagine. in everything i read, everything i see, everything i hear. the world awaits.

my time is precious. and it’s passing, so fast. 

this weekend has been stimulating. the past hour in itself has been worth more to the food of my passion than the entirety of the last month. so i had conversations about travel and exotic places and how i just have to visit positano. for the good of my soul. and i had conversations about goals and life and love and what it means to be a locust in the wind.

it’s time i take the leap. 

i talk about it too much. and the caution stays safely locked inside. there are too many moments where my head takes the lead. but what a fantastic opportunity; what a great stepping stone; what an amazing way to start; what a lucky break. 

well what about my heart? my dreams. the passion i feel so deeply inside. the passion that feasts and grows with every waking and every dreaming moment. how is it fair that i can so easily forget my heart?

what about that thing that gives my life meaning. that thing i live for.

my purpose.

my one true love.

what about the tryst, the romance, the undeniable magic of a life lived everyday in a moment just like the one when you finally realise what you’re meant to do.

i know it. without any doubt. and with every tingle in my spine and every tear of frustration, sadness and heartbreak; every painful, beautiful, honest memory. every feeling. with every word i write.

this is who i am, who i’ll always be.

time to dream

i had a moment of bliss the other day, driving home from work. it’s just me, myself and i. alone. and in love. getting back to me, who i am, what i want. the person i want to be. a moment of bliss even after changing course.

i’m in love. with me. i’m working hard to be on my own. to grow my dreams. to hunt down destiny and pin it on my sleeve – next to where my heart sits. i always fall hard. always. and the worst part about ending those hard fallen relationships is that your entire view of the future is changed: month to month, week to week. you build a life out of hopes and thoughts and daydreams. then you burn the blueprints only to start all over again.

life is easier on my own.

i’m always compromising with myself. i should just remember i want what i want, and accept nothing less. but i just get caught up in the romanticism. the notion and the whimsy and the way it makes me feel. right now, all i want is an unadulterated love affair with me.

so destiny and my heart are pinned side by side, visible and vulnerable, but courageous and prepared. love will always save me.

if ever they touch.

asleep i fall to the small sound of wind at my window, tall trees pushing through the night and stirring the clothes that hang on the line. stars peeking through clouds, a sliver of a moon it’s light still bright and glowing.

the night time brings tiredness and that feeling of closing. another day done, another moment passed, another shadow of seconds and minutes lost in time behind me.

asleep i fall to a ticking clock and shifting walls, my brain preparing for dreams of madness like i don’t know in real life. the wind serenading me. and then a light appears outside my window, the glow between the blind and the frame, a picture on my wall. asleep i fall but not before those moments pass just as they do.

chasing happiness.

i run towards it. everyday.

that feeling of joy, the squeal and the excitement of the purest moment of happiness. the one you feel even after it fades to a memory.

the smell, the reminder, the tingle down your spine. the love, the freedom the moments lost in time floating by so fast you forget to keep up. so you slow it down and appreciate every second. but in the end, even that only lasts a while.

you get one shot. be grateful. do it right.

we waste too much. too much energy, too much emotion…

too much time.

so think about what you want and who you are and how everything will work out. life is magical, miraculous, more than we can imagine. 

chase the newness of tomorrow. the dream, the love, the rainbows. life is perfect.

a dream is a wish your heart makes.

cinderella