i get to love you. no matter what. that’s my greatest adventure – loving you with all my heart. oh and how achingly beautiful it is, how deeply you love me back.
we’re reaching milestones. days together, years, now. days not spent apart. nights, too. and nearly 365 since we bound our hearts and lives officially [though it’s been so much longer in love].
and all the days ahead and all of them past aren’t even enough to hold and show the love i have to give to you. there just aren’t enough hours left in my life to let me love you in the deepest, warmest, loveliest ways i want.
and that’s all i’ll ever want to do. [forever just has to be long enough.]
our everlasting love lives across all the lifetimes we’ll spend loving and searching and loving again.
just six more days to wait.
i’ll be living inside your pockets again,
in the creases of the memories,
scattered along the dream stained threads,
of our past and future,
living tucked inside the crystal brightness of our now now now.
it’s just six more days until we find our physical way back into the perfect, embodied space of love and loving. of easiness and hopefulness
together again. and all the waiting will be worth it,
as it always is.
we’ll be real-life dreaming.
changing the way we’re meant to be made, and it’ll be pulling me apart to pull us back and into one another,
double knotting the end to the start.
and so we forever go on.
there’s something so potent about the presence of your real-life flesh and blood.
full of aching and yearning,
it’s weighing me down.
my heart hurts because it’s full, because i love. but somehow, tonight, i can’t bring that thought around
to all its truth and depth and loveliness.
it just keeps hurting and i don’t know how to shift it or shake it or change it, it hurts because it’s heavy because i love because i miss him.
tonight, i’m just a little more scared than usual to sleep, to dream alone.
i read a list i wrote
three, or four
and i lost my breath
and i felt my head
spin and blur along the melodic notes of the greatest symphony I’ve ever heard.
the list it seems
made a mark of sorts
from all my dreaming
from all my wanting
from all the everything i could ever choose.
and i feel like myself, a little more a little more. as each minute passes. as light fades to turn the sky to the darkest blue and black.
i’ve been waiting all day to escape to the coma of a dream-filled night
as the sun and the warmth have done nothing but mock the numb and the burnt and the broken.
i feel like myself a little more and more than that.
but that’s all.
it’s coming and going in waves and in whitewash and in wholehearted wish making
it’s too late
and too early to be dreaming [already, entirely, and hopefully] of you.
from so far, it feels so near
and the memories aren’t drifting away like i expected them to
[yet desperately hoped they wouldn’t]
[well, i’m glad they aren’t].
it feels like the most pleasant dream, like a time and place that existed only in my mind, or only for us, and our tiny universe.
where all the stars fly across our beautifully dark and glittering sky.
where all the stars live in the reflection of your bright blue eyes.
where all the stars make up the all of us and everything we became in the tiniest pinprick of our lighted days. in mornings so lazy and nights that seemed like forever, but were so final and fleeting. in pinches of realness stunning our senses.
time made it real, time made it pass. time put us here, as it does, above all else that lives in the creases of the lives we folded so neatly together, an origami love story, a paper plane gliding through that starry sky of our wildest imaginations
and so we soar
to the beat of our hearts,
that keep their rhythm
inspired, once more. i find myself in coffee shops, reading, dozing, eating, watching gold and red and brown leaves fall from trees, all around. i find myself allowing myself to feel, allowing it all to become a very permanent and very important piece of the puzzle of my very audacious life. i find myself kissing and thinking and writing and becoming lost in a world that feels like a dream and feels like real life and feels like everything else that falls in between.
there’s a movement and a shifting of emotion and of being. there’s a certain sense of living that i’ve never felt before. there’s a difference in the way i look and feel and ask questions. i’m curious, i want more. i want forever and a day bottled in glass jars for whenever i feel time slipping away. i want the density and intensity of this humble life to overcome my fears and pleasures and take its toll on the earth i tread so lightly and so surely across. i walk my path, i walk it with graciousness. with pride. with confidence. i walk my path, i run, i stop. regardless of the pace, it’s along this path i find the treasures of a life lived on the edge of the ultimate expression of all i find so painful and raw. of all i find so wonderful. of all i find.
life starts with good mornings like this morning’s. life starts with a heart, beating out of control, and rare feelings coursing up and down your spine. life begins, life ends, life grows and continues in particles of perplexing perfection. in moments that stand out, moments that change us, moments you recognise as deep and as true.
i peel through layers of flesh of blood to the very last cell of my very hopeful being.
i run my fingers along your skin and think i’d like to try it on you, too.
escape with me
let’s run free along coastlines made of wildflowers.
through mountains scattered in snow.
in sunshine or sun showers on sundays,
you’ll be my pot of gold. and i promise, i’ll hold tight to the greatest treasure i’ll ever have, so gently and so safe.
feel my heartbeat when your eyes meet mine. feel me dissolve in you and become so intertwined
there’s no detangling this beautiful mess.
so we’ll revel in the rest
waiting to be tied in double knots
a million times over again.
you’ll become my everything.
my saving grace.
i’ll pull you apart, and fill your cracks with me. your love. my love.
no heavens no dreams no imagination. i’ll find you, all flesh and blood. you’ll make me see, you’ll make it feel like make-believe, you’ll make me want this us, this we. as we fall so madly, irrevocably, so hungrily in love.