…i’m dreaming the hardest.
– marilyn monroe
…i’m dreaming the hardest.
– marilyn monroe
it’s a strange feeling, knowing i’m going home, possibly on an impulsive decision [choosing the day i did]. but such is life, and everything is done for one reason,
i’m excited. there’s a glimpse of forgetting how it feels to be safely tucked up in bed in a house with the people who love me most in this entire universe. but then the memory comes flooding back and nostalgia fills me with anticipation.
i don’t know what will find me there, only time will tell, i guess. all i know is this adventure, this year, feels like a single day. it feels like one long day filled with elements and seasons and emotions and reasons for all the choices i seem to have made so impetuously,
and so perfectly.
i’ve lost, i’ve found, i’ve fallen, i’ve prevailed. i’ve felt, so very deeply. i’ve cried, i’ve loathed and loved and laughed until i hiccuped. i’ve seen things that have moved me in a way i never thought those things ever could. i’ve found people who reminded me of people i already knew. i’ve found people who have changed my life, or at least changed moments in my life, changed my thinking, changed the way i look at and into myself.
i’ve found people.
and, so far, that seems to be the most profound realisation of them all.
the impermanence of place. the joy and the sadness in moving, in leaving. the honouring of the journey. all these events are intensified and cemented as purposeful and necessary by the people i’ve found along the way. the memory of a voice, or a face, or a mannerism that would catch me by surprise. and the ultimate awareness that really, we’re all the same. in this big, glorious world, we are one.
i wander along the paths that i travel. it’s here i find little pieces of purpose, in the proximity to things that truly affect my swelling heart.
it’s me with a voice and a reason for living. living a life [a life i choose] without noise or distraction or any doubt arising around this me that yearns for, craves and seeks out adventure and lostness.
just as my lungs need air and my dreams need wings.
and as i wander i wonder about the roads i’m yet to travel. they make me anxious they make me nervous. then i stop for a minute and remember there’s only this moment. there’s only now.
so if that’s all i have,
that’s all i’ll live.
and all these things i’m coming up on, all the streets i’ve yet to walk and people i’ve yet to meet, oh all those streets and people may be the most significant and important of my time away so far. and i’ll think about them in the future as if they’ll be here tomorrow and i’ll find a place in a place in a dream in a place, and i’ll make my own way and you’ll never know what you did to me or how i hated or loved you for it and how i pushed through agony [that really never was] and found ecstasy [which i always only had] and the effervescence of the dreams i try to hold so tight become me just clutching clutching clutching at thin air until i feel what i think is the place that holds the secrets to the world inside my heart, and i see it for a second in my hands. and then i let it fly when i realise that the pull between the agony and the ecstasy exists only in my mind and everything else will come and go as moments of insignificant clatter that make me only think it’s the way i only think it is.
bring me along, unattached. forever on the fence between green and greener. life is too mysterious for me to be tethered to your plans [mind, it’s you i fear]. let spontaneity and flights of fanciness tickle me and set my heart on fire, set it loose to float with clouds and fly with bluebirds. that’s all i really want to do, live my life so dreamily aware of all that’s wonderful and lovely.
and how i long for that simplicity, for you to feel what i feel and realise that this isn’t happenstance, that this isn’t crazy or strange or unusual in any way. that this is what it is because we make it like it is, because we say yes or we say no or stop or go or change this way that way up down stay leave travel job money child puppy partnership priorities house home
higher stiller clearer
more less and or forever never
bind your soul to the edges of my own. and feel what i feel, it won’t take you long.
feel the rumbles and the softness of the change you can rely on. feel the pain and the hurt of the moments that don’t quite go your way. feel it all how it all should be felt, let it go and leave the rest to fate. wish upon that first bright star and find your dreams come true in explosive moments so surreal and momentary. and they’ll all become part of your very perfect future so very perfectly out of your very perfect control. and you’ll surrender to the causality, to the uncontrollable notion that nothing and everything will go to plan. and that no plan [and every plan and even every unknown plan] is, in its entirety,
steep your dreams in permanence. brew ideas from the deepest crevasse of your imagination. live your own incredible, immaculate life. and build it from the wishes of everything your brave beautiful beating heart desires.
aia i ka ‘opua ke ola:
he ola nui, he ola laula, he ola hohonu, he ola ki’eki’e.
life is in the clouds:
great life, broad life, deep life, elevated life.
– from: ‘olelo no’eau
and just like that it burst from my soul. a rush so strong it made my fingers dance with delight along the keys of my happy future.
writing and loving and poetically defining my life in the way i feel it best. the way that sustains me, that makes me live like this! that makes me want to feel more! so i can write more and love more! so i can write more. and break more. and burn more. travel more and see more of this wonderful, mysterious, world with stories so deep and rich. so i can write more. until my most sacred secrets come spilling out of all the words i tried so hard to put into such perfect prose and paragraphs. until everything falls down or everything explodes. or we melt or we perish or we surrender to whatever it is that’s coming our way. in the you and the me. in the blueness of the ocean on the sunniest day. in the pride and ceaseless love of my family and friends who understand me most. in the yearning and wanting and longing for the everything else.
my soul is on fire.
you’ll find me here – you’ll find me everywhere – in the new and the uncomfortable. in the missing home, the craving for more, the searching for place and the figuring out that this world is my place, i’ll explore her my entire life.
so you’ll find me in my words, as i run side-by-side with my most passionate dreams.
everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.
for the adventure! for the whimsy! for the love of the unknown!
to hunt the bloody dream and ride the wind until i fly.